8 Months.. Holy Sh*t!

Crazed, frenzied, loony, unsettling, and of course, insane! Those are just a few words that describe how the last 8 months have been! There have been quite a few LOTS of moments where I have felt like I was losing it. ( like, legitimately losing it!) Transitioning to being a single parent, working, maintaining some sort of "normalcy" in our new routine, and most recently losing my job, have most definitely made me question my sanity. Lets not forget trying to "start over" at 30 something and how perplexing that can be! And even though I think I am doing pretty well, there is always that little voice inside that says "you can do better!"  (that stupid, fucking nagging voice!) 

The other day I kind of, somewhat, possibly, might have had a melt down.  The kind of melt down that even a pint of Ben and Jerry's couldn't have fixed! As hard as it was to go through, and as much anger as it made me feel, I am glad it happened. After a long talk, and lots of tears I came to the realization that it was very much needed. In order to grow, and move forward, I needed to break down and feel the emotions that I had been trying to suppress for so long. 

Having that mini nervous breakdown enabled me to look at my situations differently.  Gaining an awareness of what I can change, and what I am unable to change was an extremely important. It was encouraging, motivating, and most of all, enlightening. 

Although the prior months have been challenging, I have accomplished quite a lot.. Nowhere close to the goals I had set, but the more I think about it, the more I realize that I might have set the bar a little high. I have yet to learn to cut myself a break, but I am diligently working on that, with my new realistic goals.  I am learning that things take time, and in order to succeed one must have patience. I am now confident in areas of my life I have never felt confident before. That is an amazing feeling by the way! 

I am going back to the way of thinking that got me this far... where my commitment to myself was vigorous, and my motivation was plentiful. Waking up with an optimistic outlook, and a positive attitude is going to become a priority again! (dammit!) Allowing myself to make mistakes and learn from them, rather than letting them define me. Keeping my goals, hopes and dreams close in mind will keep me on the path to achieving them! 

The hardest and the right....

      Lately this particular quote has been stuck in my head.  Lately I have been withdrawn and despondent. Lately, my mind has been focused on the "what if's", and I have been an anxiety ridden mess. Lately, I am not myself. Lately I have been caught up in an emotional battle of the right thing being the hardest thing.  Lately I have been angry at the pessimistic attitude I possess.

      There have been PLENTY of times in my life where I have felt like this.. where I have been broken from pressure, or grief and I have always managed to pick up the pieces.  My optimism and my determined attitude has always kept me from falling apart completely. I can only hope that this will be the case in my current battle. I suppose it ought to start with a rational perspective that even though it is going to be extremely difficult, it is indeed the right thing. I have to allow myself to feel the emotions as they come, and not try to suppress them. I need to let go of the anger, and the self pity.(That shit will rob you of all happiness) There is no doubt in my mind that you can love something or someone so much that you are blinded from reality. Maybe there has been lingering doubt, but it has been camouflaged by hope, or a desire for happiness. Living in a routine that has left a sense of unfulfilled complacency. As contradictory as that might sound, it is how I have been feeling. Not wanting to "make waves" or upset others has left me in a state of apprehension.

  Holding on to things I cannot change is exhausting, as the weight of past is a very heavy load I tend to carry. Constantly thinking of how things could have gone differently, or what I could have done to change is starting to wear on me. It is ruining my relationships with everyone and that is not something I can let happen anymore. Fall 7 times, stand up 8.... Today I choose to get up and take the first step. Leaving the heaviness behind me and moving forward even if it will be one of the most difficult things I will ever have to do, because sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.

Appreciation for Everyone

For a few years, I have had the feeling as if I was alone with my craziness. What I mean is.. looking at life through a different lens than others. Appreciating individuals for what they bring to my life, knowing that each person has something to teach me, whether it is beneficial, or not.  I love learning how others view life, and listening to what drives them. I tend to be an emotional person.. I cry about everything! I cry when I am sad, I cry when I am happy, I cry when I am overwhelmed, when I laugh too hard, and sometimes I cry when I see something beautiful. I am likely to over-analyze any given situation, and always attempt to put myself in someone else's shoes to understand where they might be coming from. That doesn't mean that I always agree.. but it helps me to be sympathetic. I am a HUGE believer in Karma... as cliche as that might sound.. but I honestly feel whatever you put out, life will return to you. I am not sure how quick Karma's turnaround is, and sometimes it seems as though I have been waiting forever. Ha!

 I feel as though sometimes others might view my outlook as unusual. Not everyone has compassion, or consideration.. (I feel bad for those people.) Recently I started working, and luckily my job lets me be that compassionate and caring person I am. For instance: This weekend I had a client call in a panic that her dog was sick. He wasn't "acting" himself. To some, that would have been an annoyance since the only appointment available was at 6pm, and to be honest, at first I was a bit irritated because I had dinner plans with my friends. Six O'clock rolls around and she comes in with her 13 year old dog,  I could just tell he wasn't doing well, at that moment my irritation was gone. After talking to her for a minute, I felt as though she and I had some sort of connection.. Did she work somewhere I frequent? Is she the mom of someone I knew? I couldn't quite put my finger on it.  After they assess the dog, they give him some medications, and she comes to the desk to check out, we start talking again. She lets me know that the dog was her daughters, whom had passed away 4 years ago. Instantly my eyes well up, and I start crying. She smiles and tells me it's ok. This is when I share our similarity. Needless to say, we both were crying at that point, and we talked for another 30 minutes about grief,  the need to keep living, and the attachment we have to our dog. I think I might have even given her a hug. (OK, I did)

This is where that whole "appreciation for everyone" comes into play. This woman shared something personal, and our conversation reiterated to me that everyone is fighting a battle.. hers happens to be the loss of her child.. and I can understand that. She also made an impression with her words.. "Things happen in life that we have no control over, and no matter how hard we try, we just have to learn, and let go." I know I have been told that before, but for some reason, it sunk in when she said it. I understood what that meant now.

When I came into work Monday, I saw that the little dog had passed away. (yes, I cried) I wanted to call her right away and give her my condolences, however, I didn't. Tuesday, she called the office, and I immediately picked up the phone. I expressed my sympathies, and let her know I had been thinking of her. She graciously thanked me for being supportive and we talked for a while. After hanging up the phone I smiled because I realized that this woman left had an impression on my life that will stick with me, and I am grateful for that.

way too long

It has been over a month since my last post. Wow! That time flew by..

The last few weeks have been filled with cheer-leading, work, volunteering, and not to mention all the things going on in my house. There has been some really wonderful times, as well as some extremely stressful moments. The kitchen is about 90% complete, and the girls have worked extra hard for the Cheer competition that is just 2 weeks away. Taking on an extra shift at work has been a smidge frustrating, but it is  temporary, and I just have to remind myself of that. I finally feel as though normalcy is returning to daily life. The routine that has been non existent for the last few months is nearly back to its usual chaos.

I had oodles of ideas for my next blog post.. and now that I am sitting here, none seem adequate or fit my mood. Maybe I just have to get back into the swing of things... my writing is a bit rusty. The ability to relax and get out my thoughts is something unfamiliar to me now.. since lately my "free time" has been very limited, but, I am confident that in the near future I will be back to ranting and raving on my little blog!

Keeping that PMA!

I am not ashamed to admit that I am one of those "approval seeking" types in that I need to be told that I am appreciated. I do not think that is necessarily a bad thing, but it definitely puts me into the "needy" category. I sometimes second guess my decisions, for fear of disappointing others. Confidence is one of those personal characteristics I lack at times. That is not to say that I always doubt myself, just in certain situations. I am not sure as to why, but feeling as though I am "good enough" is important. Being told that I am a good friend, mother, sister, daughter or that I did a good job is considerably essential to my pride. That might sound a bit foolish, however, it is the truth.

I make every effort to show my gratitude towards others... whether it is a simple text message, or a long conversation, I try to let the people in my life know I value them. Acknowledging their achievements and celebrating their successes.. or just boosting their self esteem. I believe everyone needs to hear that they are wonderful, or doing a good job! I know that self approval is just as important, but it doesn't hurt to hear it from others every now and then.This is where the line is a bit smeared for me. I have a tendency to seek the compliments or approvals a little to much. I rely on them to give me the self assurance I need.

Today, my personal challenge is to be more confident... To not seek approval from anyone else ... and to be sure of the decisions I am making. Having a positive mental attitude about myself without the second guessing. I am going to leave the uncertainty, apprehension, and doubt behind to make room for the self gratification I deserve!

Happiness from within

“Happiness comes from within. It is not dependent on external things or on other people. You become vulnerable and can be easily hurt when your feelings of security and happiness depend on the behavior and actions of other people. Never give your power to anyone else.”

-Brian Weiss

                                         

 What a powerful quote! It speaks such truth, yet I see a flaw. As much as I agree that happiness comes from within, how can one be truly happy if they are surrounded by others who do not share the same optimism? Do you cut the "Debbie Downers" out of your life? Is hurting others at the expense of your own happiness really being happy? I get the "you only live once", and I totally agree that  "life is short", as cliche as that all sounds, yet I can't help feel as though true happiness comes with a price. 

Society paints a picture as to what "happiness" is. Happiness is wealth, marriage, children, a good career, vacations, etc... But in my mind, happiness is love, understanding and appreciation. Being spontaneous, and silly is something that will guarantee me a good time. To some, that is immature and childish, but to me, living life to the fullest is my idea of happiness.  A spur of the moment trip to the city, or an unplanned dinner party with my friends and family are things that I cherish. I find that my "ideas" of happiness do not match up with others, and frequently I feel as if I am letting them down. The sense of disappointment  I feel  because I choose to let things go doesn't seem to fit into "Never give your power to anyone else". The guilt I sometimes get for having the belief that laughter and memories are more important than anything. For instance, if the weather is nice, I choose to go to the beach instead of do laundry... My responsibilities will still be there at the end of the day, and as much as I loathe laundry, it will get done.. My happiness comes from that quality time with my daughters, not from the satisfaction of folded clothes. In such a situation, there is the chance that someone will not share in my free-spirited thinking and there will be a disagreement, which will totally ruin my "happy" for the day.

I guess what I am trying to say is that as much as I would LOVE to believe that true happiness comes from within, I also believe you are a little dependent on others. Ideas of happiness vary, and everyone has a different perspective. Surrounding yourself with people who have a different attitude will not allow you to ever be truly happy. I just do not see how that is possible.. someone will change... either their outlook on life and their personal definition of happiness, or their outlook on relationships. There is that "cost" I was talking about. Nobody should ever change who they are for another. One person's happiness is never superior to the others. Where is that middle ground? Is compromising part of happiness? Is that really being true to oneself? This is where the confusion lies in the previous quote.. this is the flaw I see. I could be over thinking this a bit,  I am notorious for that, but I would just love to hear, see or be told something that makes more sense.

I am going to search for that perfect "win-win" situation, where I am free to be me, and pursue my happiness.. without putting an expense on anothers...  

 

When life gives you lemons..

I absolutely HATE this expression! 

I get what the meaning is.. When life throws you shit, figure out a way to deal with it. Well, sometimes I rather not! Sometimes I rather wallow in self pity and curse life for giving me a"lemon".. Hey life, how about you give me some money, or answers? I am confident I could do something better with that!

Usually I have a positive outlook, even with all the "lemons". For the most part I make the best of everything and anything that comes my way.. however, sometimes there are "lemons" that are just too foul to be made into any sort of refreshment.

Maybe it is my mood for today, but I like this quote better....