Do opposites really attract?

I am sure everyone has heard this... and for the most part, I can agree that this statement has some truth to it, However, just because opposites attract, doesn't necessarily mean they stay drawn to each other. Relationships that begin with conflicting points of view or beliefs may start out wonderful.. but eventually I feel that fizzles and resentment sets in. Whether it be friendships, intimate relationships or even casual acquaintances, if there are too many conflicting characteristics, the relationship is never going to grow and thrive. Now, this is just my opinion, and maybe you see it differently. Maybe you have a friend that has contrasting views on everything, or are married to your polar opposite, and it works for you. Maybe you learn a lot from the other persons perspectives, and are completely content with having opposing personalities.

I would like to think that my opinion on this isn't a personality flaw. What I mean is, I am very much a person that "agrees to disagree". Just because another doesn't share my viewpoint doesn't make them wrong. I really value everyone for who they are, but being truly compatible with someone who doesn't share my beliefs seems unlikely. I guess I just feel as though in order to have a mutually gratifying relationship, you should possess similar ideas. That, in no way, means that I have this unrealistic thought that all meaningful relationships are only made when people have identical thoughts., but having too many differences doesn't seem to work either. I am not talking about what your favorite color is, or your preference in music, rather, your passions and values. For instance, being that I am a VERY compassionate person,  the majority of individuals I am close with share that characteristic with me. I cannot see myself being close with someone who is not as sympathetic and kind, let alone having a rewarding relationship.

I saw this quote:

"Opposites attract, but like minded last.." 

This simple sentence makes such sense to me. In my experience, relationships with people that have clashing opinions can leave one or both people feeling isolated. The connections once felt are replaced with bitterness and hostility. Confusion and indifference takes place of that initial attraction and curiosity. We learn and grow as individuals by our experiences in life, and the people meet. Values are made from an individuals impression on what is important, and essential to their life. How can relationships built on opposites endure when it is crucial to believe in your personal values? Having a common attitude about life, in my opinion, is vital for a successful relationship.. with anyone!  

Something I have noticed....

While I was sitting in the dental chair, enduring a very long overdue root canal, I was thinking about the quirky endodontist performing the procedure. I wonder what gave him his motivation to attend dental school, or what drove him to become an endodontist. Was it something his parents encouraged, or was it financial reasoning's that persuaded him? (He does drive a very nice BMW) Was it is dream career, or just a profession he chose? Whatever the case.. he is a successful man. That got me deep in thought about what my dream career was. I am not sure I really had one. I would have loved to been a pastry chef for some swanky hotel. I did decorate cakes, but that doesn't really come close. When I got a little older, I thought about becoming a nurse, or a midwife.... Not sure what happened there, but I am definitely not either of those. I went to dental assisting school, which, was very informative, and I learned a lot... but I am not working at a dental office.

Where did I go wrong? Haha... what I mean is, did I not have motivation? Was the fact that there wasn't something I "saw" myself doing? Did I not work hard enough to figure it all out? Why am I not driving a BMW and drilling holes in peoples teeth? Don't get me wrong.. I am very grateful for all that I have in my life... but I can't help but wonder what if. What if I went to that fancy NY restaurant institute? What if I followed through with enrolling in Nursing school? What if I had been more persistent about my education? What if, what if, what if?? Would life be that much different?

I am sure we all have these thoughts. I would love to assume that even the most successful, and professional people think about their choices, and wonder if they made the right ones. I suppose we all have the "what if" syndrome at times. Whether it be in our job choices, family matters, or something as simple as what to have for dinner. I like to stay positive and keep the belief that everything happens the way it should. We all have a path set for us, and when things aren't making much sense, I have to remember that. I have to let go of the "what if''s" and remind myself there is a reason I am not driving that BMW and drilling holes in peoples teeth. 

Ideas and goals

Have you ever had a thought, or an idea that your life would be a certain way? Not necessarily your dreams, but your goals. Five years ago, did you have a different vision of where you would be in life then where you are now? It is funny how everyday occurrences can change those thoughts. Something, that may seem so insignificant at the time, can totally alter your ideas. Maybe reconnecting with an old friend, or taking a different career path has modified your thoughts about where you are and where you should be. For me, the ideas of where I will be change often. Five years ago, I thought I would be somewhere completely different, and unforeseen events have reshaped the mental image I once had. My goals of being a stay at home mother have been replaced with goals of being a successful working mother. Finding that happy medium, where business and family co-mingle in harmony, and everything is just ducky. Unrealistic maybe... but goals shouldn't easily be fulfilled. The challenge is what makes them worth having.

  Do you still have the same perception of life that you did 5 years ago? Six months ago? Yesterday? Are your goals still the same? What has changed? I think about this often, as I tend to over analyze everything. There have been some tragedies, as well as some amazing and wonderful occurrences in my life. All which have contributed to my intentions, and caused me to reevaluate my goals and ideas. I find it is important to have aspirations, whether they be daily, or long term. Ambitions worth all the stress and bullshit that the today may bring. Knowing that we are headed in the direction towards our goals, and allowing them to adapt  to the changes of our lives. Finding peace and having faith that everything will work out the way it is supposed to. Anticipating struggles, and upsets, but not giving them permission to derail us from the path that we set.

hmmm....

I am having an issue of what to write about..
There are so many things that I thought of, none of which were satisfying enough to post.. so I decided I would just sit down and see what came to me..

The first thing that popped into my head was my obsession with the Unplugged channel on Pandora. Probably because I am listening to it at the moment. It gets me thinking.. why do I absolutely LOVE this station? Is it the feelings I get from the songs? Does it bring me back to being 13 again? Almost feel compelled to throw on a Nirvana tee and flannel.. Hahah!

The awkward middle school years of the early 90's, when Pearl Jam, and Nirvana were constantly playing on my CD player! CD's! You know, those round disc's that were a huge improvement from tapes!?? The biggest concerns in life were not letting your crush know you liked them, the Friday night dances, and experimenting with makeup. Trying to "fit in" was hell, I wasn't sure what "label" I had.. all I knew was I never really felt like I was a part of the "in" crowd. Middle school was tough. I found it a lot more challenging than High School. Growing from a child to a teen, with all those pubescent hormones, acne, awkward growth spurts, and emotions that had no rhyme or reason... It definitely sucked!

Looking back, I have to laugh because none of that is important now! I try to explain to Kerrin that this is a difficult time for kids...but it isn't the end of the world. My poor 12 year old is in the thick of middle school, and all of its drama.. Unavoidable meltdowns, self esteem issues and ego bruises. I do my best to comfort, and not meddle. That can be really challenging for a parent! There are times where I just want to go fight her battles for her, but I know that part of growing up is figuring things out on your own, (with some guidance of course).

I have to say that I am one proud Mama.. Kerrin definitely does better than I ever did. She sticks up for herself, and anyone else who is subject to the torture of adolescent ignorance. My daughter takes pity on those who feel the need to bully others. She will say things like "maybe they just have issues and feel bad about themselves"... That melts my heart. That does not mean she will just ignore it, she just has a little more compassion. What an awesome trait to have at that age! I must be doing something right!

Funny how an acoustic version of Metallica can make me think about all of this.. hahah!

Getting it out while I still can.

Just a heads up.. This might be long.. so don't say I didn't warn you! Hahah!

I am sitting in my favorite spot to blog.. Comfy, with a cup of coffee and some tunes playing in the background. Being content with my surroundings, and attempting to come up with words to express the animosity I am feeling. I am not a person known to hate anyone, I VERY MUCH dislike the thought of hate in any way, shape or form, so I will just say that I am repulsed by the actions of the legal system.

As many of you know I am involved in a law suit against my previous OBGYN, Dr. Keelan, as well as the whole Brielle OBGYN practice. I say his name because I want it to be known that this Doctor is the reason my life changed forever. I was informed that if I choose to settle, I might not be legally allowed to "talk" about him, or what he has done to me, so I felt compelled to get it out while I still can.

In early January 2008 I was given a bio-physical profile after expressing my concerns that my unborn son was not as active as I felt he should be. A wonderful sonographer preformed this test. I went on my way with the assurance from Dr. Keelan that everything was fine. After Michael s death I received a copy of my records which indicated that his nuchal cord was seen on that particular ulrtasound, and that the Dr was made aware that the sonographer was concerned. However, I was NEVER made aware of this. At no point in time was it brought to my attention. This was a situation that should have called for increased fetal monitoring at the very least. Instead, I am left a grieving mother, due to the lack of attention this Dr had. I wish I knew why he dismissed the sonographers report. I wish I knew what was more important, or why he chose to disregard me. There were plenty of appointments during my last month of pregnancy, each of which I expressed my growing concerns. I was told that he was just a "big baby", or it was just "in my head". There were plenty of warning signs, all which were ignored by the Dr's that I trusted my prenatal care to.

Angry does not even come close to how I feel about this. After I buried my son, I looked through my chart, with an intuition that something was not right. When I came across the ultrasound report, I was filled with rage.  How could a "reputable" doctor not make a woman aware of her unborn babies condition. Granted, 30 percent of babies are born with a loop or cord around their neck, and it doesn't always cause a problem. However, in my case, Michael had a double nuchal cord which was very tight, and warranted cause for concern..

My first instinct was to find this "man" and make him tell my why.. why he ignored this, why he didn't tell me, why he blew me off when I was scared and worried.. I wanted him to pay for what he did. I wanted his license revoked, I wanted to make the world aware that he ruined my life, After "this" happened to me, I had women that I didn't even know reach out to me. They told me how this practice, and this doctor caused them pain as well. That is when I sought out an attorney and started the very long, emotionally draining process of a law suit. I know that a suit will not change anything. It will not make Dr. Keelan a better doctor... It will not bring closure to me, and it will surely not get the attention of the public, nor will it keep him from practicing. But I cannot sit back and just accept the fact that this happened. I will fight, for my son, and for any other woman that this man has hurt.

It is mind boggling that a patient cannot easily find this sort of information about their doctor. Had I known he was involved in numerous suits, some which have been settled, I would have looked for another obstetrician. Had I known that after years of practicing, he had become lackadaisical in patient care, I would have NEVER trusted MY care to him. Unfortunately, this is something that is not made public knowledge. And I find this quite unsettling.

I know this sounds cliche... but I do believe everything happens for a reason. This week, during an ultrasound, a friend of mine was reconnected with that amazing sonographer. After talking, he gave her his phone number and information and asked her to give it to me. He wanted to help me in any way he could. I was in shock!! I wanted to pick up the phone right then and there! After 5 years, I was going to be able to have a candid conversation with this man! I often prayed that I would get this chance, and frequently thought about what I would say. Now that I had this opportunity, I was frozen with fear. I must have dialed that phone number 24 times before finally pressing the call button. I was terrified , but about 3 seconds into our conversation, my fear subsided, and there was a sense of comfort. We talked for at least an hour, and I felt confident that I was doing the right thing.

No amount of money will ever bring my son back. No amount of money will protect other women from enduring the same pain I feel.. and no amount of money will ever make this doctor realize his mistake, but I will never give up. Maybe this angel chose me to be his Mommy because I have a voice. A very loud voice to match my strong will. I have the motivation to speak up for those who cannot do so for themselves. The desire to make my story know, for if it helps one person I have done my job. I have the perseverance to continue, to educate and make others aware about such tragedy, so that it may be avoided. And most of all, to not let my precious baby's life be forgotten.

I cannot sue for wrongful death, because, according to the state of New Jersey, my son was just a fetus. He was not born breathing, and therefore had no value of life. However, I have heard that if a pregnant woman is murdered, there would be charges of two deaths. How is that possible? My son was very much alive! How can the state say that he wasn't? Not only is it appalling, it angers me beyond belief! How can you call it a baby in one instance, and just a fetus in another? I would love to speak to someone who could try to explain this to me... because I am completely dumbfounded.

Like I said before, there isn't anything I can think of that would bring closure to Michaels death. I will forever be a grieving mother. I will forever wonder "why me", and I will forever have a missing piece to my heart. But, I will NEVER EVER give up, settle, or abandon my feelings, and I will always speak out for what I believe in! Which means, I will tell the world about my experiences with Brielle OBGYN and Dr Keelan, while I still can!

Disorganization

As I sit here, writing this post, I am looking around at my very disorganized surroundings. My house is a disaster! It isn't necessarily dirty, just in disarray.. There is no sense of order at the moment, and it is wreaking havoc on my OCD. The house is under construction, there are walls where the sheetrock is gone, the kitchen floor has been ripped out, and most of the areas dedicated to organization are not able to be accessed. I cannot help but get overwhelmed when I look around.

I am usually pretty good at making due with what I am given. For some reason, I cannot find that happy medium... UGH!! I know that within the next few weeks I will have a beautiful new kitchen, and an awesome  new floor, but right now all I can think about it the mess. I am not even sure where to start, or if I should even try! There is literally shit everywhere. There are coats in the hallway, boxes in the living room, and my china is in a tote on the floor.. It is killing me!!

All week while I was at work I thought about all the ways to "fix" the disorganization. I made a list and came up with clever ways to minimize the chaos. Well, here I am, on my day off and there isn't an ounce of motivation in my body to do so. Granted, I have an appointment with the Endodontist this morning, which could very well be reason for lazy attitude.

I have been trying really hard to adjust to working. Fitting it into my other roles in life. It has been challenging, and I really am optimistic that it will fall into place, but on days like this I feel a little beaten. Usually I have my house cleaned, dinner situated and my head on straight. Lately, the laundry has been piling up (a chore I loathe anyway) dinner is half assed, and I am frazzled.  In times like this I guess it is important for me to just take it one day at a time, and keep my head up.. I can't give up! (But damn, this is difficult!) My confidence is a little squashed , but not completely absent. Just another day where I have to put my big girl pants on and deal! I really need to invest in another pair of BGP since mine are wearing a little thin these days!

One-uppers!

This post is dedicated to the all the people who have to deal with the "one-uppers"! You know, the select few that have to outdo whatever you say? I am fortunate to work with one! No matter what I say or do, this girl has to comeback with something "better"... Its actually quite amusing! I am pretty certain that it stems from high self esteem, or it could be just an awesome personality trait! (sensing the sarcasm??)

Today while I am at work I plan on seeing just how much better she is than me... Is that mean? I will challenge her to come up with superior accomplishments, just to make my day a little bit more entertaining. I will not have to try that hard since this commonly occurs with her.

How many of us deal with "these" people? What is the right way to handle working, living or acquainting such a delightful person? I know that there is gratification in being the "bigger" person and letting things like this slide. Seeing that this is a HUGE sign of poor self confidence, maybe playing on it with my co-worker is kind of being a bully.. I guess I should just have a little compassion for her, and simply deal with it. (As hard as that might be) It has been said that you should do at least one good deed daily. Maybe today I try to be tolerant, but I can't promise anything!