Getting it out while I still can.

Just a heads up.. This might be long.. so don't say I didn't warn you! Hahah!

I am sitting in my favorite spot to blog.. Comfy, with a cup of coffee and some tunes playing in the background. Being content with my surroundings, and attempting to come up with words to express the animosity I am feeling. I am not a person known to hate anyone, I VERY MUCH dislike the thought of hate in any way, shape or form, so I will just say that I am repulsed by the actions of the legal system.

As many of you know I am involved in a law suit against my previous OBGYN, Dr. Keelan, as well as the whole Brielle OBGYN practice. I say his name because I want it to be known that this Doctor is the reason my life changed forever. I was informed that if I choose to settle, I might not be legally allowed to "talk" about him, or what he has done to me, so I felt compelled to get it out while I still can.

In early January 2008 I was given a bio-physical profile after expressing my concerns that my unborn son was not as active as I felt he should be. A wonderful sonographer preformed this test. I went on my way with the assurance from Dr. Keelan that everything was fine. After Michael s death I received a copy of my records which indicated that his nuchal cord was seen on that particular ulrtasound, and that the Dr was made aware that the sonographer was concerned. However, I was NEVER made aware of this. At no point in time was it brought to my attention. This was a situation that should have called for increased fetal monitoring at the very least. Instead, I am left a grieving mother, due to the lack of attention this Dr had. I wish I knew why he dismissed the sonographers report. I wish I knew what was more important, or why he chose to disregard me. There were plenty of appointments during my last month of pregnancy, each of which I expressed my growing concerns. I was told that he was just a "big baby", or it was just "in my head". There were plenty of warning signs, all which were ignored by the Dr's that I trusted my prenatal care to.

Angry does not even come close to how I feel about this. After I buried my son, I looked through my chart, with an intuition that something was not right. When I came across the ultrasound report, I was filled with rage.  How could a "reputable" doctor not make a woman aware of her unborn babies condition. Granted, 30 percent of babies are born with a loop or cord around their neck, and it doesn't always cause a problem. However, in my case, Michael had a double nuchal cord which was very tight, and warranted cause for concern..

My first instinct was to find this "man" and make him tell my why.. why he ignored this, why he didn't tell me, why he blew me off when I was scared and worried.. I wanted him to pay for what he did. I wanted his license revoked, I wanted to make the world aware that he ruined my life, After "this" happened to me, I had women that I didn't even know reach out to me. They told me how this practice, and this doctor caused them pain as well. That is when I sought out an attorney and started the very long, emotionally draining process of a law suit. I know that a suit will not change anything. It will not make Dr. Keelan a better doctor... It will not bring closure to me, and it will surely not get the attention of the public, nor will it keep him from practicing. But I cannot sit back and just accept the fact that this happened. I will fight, for my son, and for any other woman that this man has hurt.

It is mind boggling that a patient cannot easily find this sort of information about their doctor. Had I known he was involved in numerous suits, some which have been settled, I would have looked for another obstetrician. Had I known that after years of practicing, he had become lackadaisical in patient care, I would have NEVER trusted MY care to him. Unfortunately, this is something that is not made public knowledge. And I find this quite unsettling.

I know this sounds cliche... but I do believe everything happens for a reason. This week, during an ultrasound, a friend of mine was reconnected with that amazing sonographer. After talking, he gave her his phone number and information and asked her to give it to me. He wanted to help me in any way he could. I was in shock!! I wanted to pick up the phone right then and there! After 5 years, I was going to be able to have a candid conversation with this man! I often prayed that I would get this chance, and frequently thought about what I would say. Now that I had this opportunity, I was frozen with fear. I must have dialed that phone number 24 times before finally pressing the call button. I was terrified , but about 3 seconds into our conversation, my fear subsided, and there was a sense of comfort. We talked for at least an hour, and I felt confident that I was doing the right thing.

No amount of money will ever bring my son back. No amount of money will protect other women from enduring the same pain I feel.. and no amount of money will ever make this doctor realize his mistake, but I will never give up. Maybe this angel chose me to be his Mommy because I have a voice. A very loud voice to match my strong will. I have the motivation to speak up for those who cannot do so for themselves. The desire to make my story know, for if it helps one person I have done my job. I have the perseverance to continue, to educate and make others aware about such tragedy, so that it may be avoided. And most of all, to not let my precious baby's life be forgotten.

I cannot sue for wrongful death, because, according to the state of New Jersey, my son was just a fetus. He was not born breathing, and therefore had no value of life. However, I have heard that if a pregnant woman is murdered, there would be charges of two deaths. How is that possible? My son was very much alive! How can the state say that he wasn't? Not only is it appalling, it angers me beyond belief! How can you call it a baby in one instance, and just a fetus in another? I would love to speak to someone who could try to explain this to me... because I am completely dumbfounded.

Like I said before, there isn't anything I can think of that would bring closure to Michaels death. I will forever be a grieving mother. I will forever wonder "why me", and I will forever have a missing piece to my heart. But, I will NEVER EVER give up, settle, or abandon my feelings, and I will always speak out for what I believe in! Which means, I will tell the world about my experiences with Brielle OBGYN and Dr Keelan, while I still can!