Monday, February 11, 2013

February 11th


Since 1989 this day has been full of sadness, heartache and sorrow. 24 years ago my young brother, Robert, joined God. The pain and heartache my mother felt since then was something I could only try to understand. I was 8 years old when Robert passed away. A child that had no way of comprehending such tragedy. I just knew that my mother had a heavy heart, and she was sad.

In 2007 I found out I was expecting baby #3. After some testing, it was determined that February 11th was my due date. My first thought was not to tell my mother, and just say that my tentative due date was the 10th or 12th. ANYTHING but the 11th! Needless to say, she knew the real date. Maybe this wasn't such a bad day to welcome a new baby to the family. Maybe it was a sign from Robert. Maybe February 11th wouldn't carry such a sorrowful feeling anymore. As optimistic as I was, nothing could have prepared me for the fateful coincidences I would soon share with my mother.

My son was not born on February 11th. Instead, he was delivered on January 30th via C-section.. Michael was born sleeping. (a nice way to say stillborn) I now knew the heartbreak my mother knew and felt. The overwhelming emotional anguish, and pain of a heavy heart was something my mother and I now shared. As harsh as this might sound, this is not something I wanted to have in common with her. In the beginning of February I buried Michael 3 rows from my brother. I watched my, then 8 year old, daughter cry in the same cemetery, in the same winter cold as I did when I was a child,  and all for the same reason... To say goodbye to a baby boy. I could remember the pain and confusion I felt 19 years prior. And I now stood, just as my mother did trying to comprehend why this was happening to our family.. AGAIN!

I am not sure why things happen the way they do. I am not sure why my mother and I have to share such a grief stricken similarity. I am not sure why, right at this very moment, of all songs, "Tears in Heaven" started playing on the radio!! Come on!! Really??!!? I am listening to 90's rock!! Well, that did me in for the rest of this post...

Before I end this post, I want to share this picture I stole from my Aunt Amy's facebook wall. It is amazing and comforting to anyone who had endured the pain of a loss.






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