Five Years....

Five years ago today my life changed forever. I vividly remember the details of January 2008 as if they happened yesterday. As challenging as it is, I want to look at today as a day of remembrance. My son had a very short life, one that I was fortunate enough to know.

 To some, Michael was a thought. A new nephew, grandson, cousin and friend was due to arrive in February. I say he was a thought because to most, the only sign of his life was my ever growing abdomen, the feeling of a slight kick when a hand was pressed to my belly, and the obvious accumulation of infant supplies taking over our tiny house. A thought that soon, a new baby would be here to love, hold, kiss and tend to. Had I known that was not to happen, I would have valued my pregnancy much more.  Every kick, every hiccup and every nudge would have been looked at as a miracle.

Five years ago today, my dreams were ripped from my grasp. Five years ago today I was told that my son had died, and there was nothing that could be done. I can remember the sonographers face, as she looked to me with tears streaming from her eyes. "I'm sorry, I don't see anything".. What? What do you mean? How does this happen? How can my son just be gone? Is this a bad dream? Am I imagining this? Then it all hit me.. I was very much awake, I was very much conscious, and this was very much happening. 

The remainder of this day was filled with shock, tears and loving embraces from family and friends who came to show their support. Around 8:30 pm, almost 10 agonizing hours after knowing what was to happen, my beautiful son Michael Patrick was delivered by C-section. At first, I didn't know what to expect. I was frightened, and unsure if I even wanted to see him. At this point I had no idea what had happened, and was terrified of the thought that my last memory of him would be a horrible one. I was reassured by one of the nurses that he was a gorgeous, perfect baby, and at that moment all I wanted was to hold my son. He was indeed gorgeous, and perfect. His face was round, and chubby, and his head was covered in fine, blonde hair. He had the same hands as Kerrin and his little toes were just like Riley's.

The brief time I did have with him is something I am ever grateful for. I am unsure why I was chosen to be this angels mother, but I have to think that I was blessed to have felt his short life. Even though it is a struggle, I have managed to cope with the pain. learning how to incorporate it into my life. In no way does that make it any less distressing, it just makes it a little easier to keep going. Today, I will celebrate my little ones life. I will smile through my tears, and know that he is watching over me.

Michael's footprints.