January Sucks.

I have noticed that in the last 22 days, my anxiety has skyrocketed . I figured it was just the change in season, or normal nerves about starting a new job, etc. In the last week I have felt run down, exhausted, and just plain BLAH! This morning it hit me. It is January!

 For the past 5 years January has been a challenge. No matter what excuses I come up with for my physical and emotional state, it all boils down to the fact that January sucks! I attempt to distract myself with projects, friends, family, or whatever, but that doesn't last forever, and depression and its pal anxiety pay me a very unwelcomed visit.

A wise woman once told me that if you ignore your feelings, they gain strength and come back to kick your ass. Boy, was she right! No matter how hard I try to disregard my emotions, they are still there . I have to accept that January is a challenging month for me. This year, instead of celebrating my son's 5th birthday, I will most likely be in meetings with attorneys fighting to get some sort of justice, which may or may not bring some sort of closure. I doubt it will. Nothing can ease the pain of losing a child.

I can't help but wonder if January will always be so shitty. Its not as if I only think of my baby during this month. Why is it that much harder 31 days out of the year?  My anger, frustration and sadness is at an all time high. My moods are lower, my patience are gone, and everything seems to piss me off. I find myself distracted, heavyhearted and despondent, which is very much contradictory to my "normal" self.

Determination will keep me going. That I am sure of. Part of me would love to play into the emotions the month brings, but it is only a small part, one that I can overpower with my love of life. It's important for me to acknowledge that January is an emotionally distressing time of year, and accept it. It is important for me to feel the emotions, but not let them take over. Allowing them to be felt without giving them power.

Maybe January will always suck, but I am hopeful that I will learn to cope with it better as the years go by.