Ideas and goals

Have you ever had a thought, or an idea that your life would be a certain way? Not necessarily your dreams, but your goals. Five years ago, did you have a different vision of where you would be in life then where you are now? It is funny how everyday occurrences can change those thoughts. Something, that may seem so insignificant at the time, can totally alter your ideas. Maybe reconnecting with an old friend, or taking a different career path has modified your thoughts about where you are and where you should be. For me, the ideas of where I will be change often. Five years ago, I thought I would be somewhere completely different, and unforeseen events have reshaped the mental image I once had. My goals of being a stay at home mother have been replaced with goals of being a successful working mother. Finding that happy medium, where business and family co-mingle in harmony, and everything is just ducky. Unrealistic maybe... but goals shouldn't easily be fulfilled. The challenge is what makes them worth having.

  Do you still have the same perception of life that you did 5 years ago? Six months ago? Yesterday? Are your goals still the same? What has changed? I think about this often, as I tend to over analyze everything. There have been some tragedies, as well as some amazing and wonderful occurrences in my life. All which have contributed to my intentions, and caused me to reevaluate my goals and ideas. I find it is important to have aspirations, whether they be daily, or long term. Ambitions worth all the stress and bullshit that the today may bring. Knowing that we are headed in the direction towards our goals, and allowing them to adapt  to the changes of our lives. Finding peace and having faith that everything will work out the way it is supposed to. Anticipating struggles, and upsets, but not giving them permission to derail us from the path that we set.

hmmm....

I am having an issue of what to write about..
There are so many things that I thought of, none of which were satisfying enough to post.. so I decided I would just sit down and see what came to me..

The first thing that popped into my head was my obsession with the Unplugged channel on Pandora. Probably because I am listening to it at the moment. It gets me thinking.. why do I absolutely LOVE this station? Is it the feelings I get from the songs? Does it bring me back to being 13 again? Almost feel compelled to throw on a Nirvana tee and flannel.. Hahah!

The awkward middle school years of the early 90's, when Pearl Jam, and Nirvana were constantly playing on my CD player! CD's! You know, those round disc's that were a huge improvement from tapes!?? The biggest concerns in life were not letting your crush know you liked them, the Friday night dances, and experimenting with makeup. Trying to "fit in" was hell, I wasn't sure what "label" I had.. all I knew was I never really felt like I was a part of the "in" crowd. Middle school was tough. I found it a lot more challenging than High School. Growing from a child to a teen, with all those pubescent hormones, acne, awkward growth spurts, and emotions that had no rhyme or reason... It definitely sucked!

Looking back, I have to laugh because none of that is important now! I try to explain to Kerrin that this is a difficult time for kids...but it isn't the end of the world. My poor 12 year old is in the thick of middle school, and all of its drama.. Unavoidable meltdowns, self esteem issues and ego bruises. I do my best to comfort, and not meddle. That can be really challenging for a parent! There are times where I just want to go fight her battles for her, but I know that part of growing up is figuring things out on your own, (with some guidance of course).

I have to say that I am one proud Mama.. Kerrin definitely does better than I ever did. She sticks up for herself, and anyone else who is subject to the torture of adolescent ignorance. My daughter takes pity on those who feel the need to bully others. She will say things like "maybe they just have issues and feel bad about themselves"... That melts my heart. That does not mean she will just ignore it, she just has a little more compassion. What an awesome trait to have at that age! I must be doing something right!

Funny how an acoustic version of Metallica can make me think about all of this.. hahah!

Getting it out while I still can.

Just a heads up.. This might be long.. so don't say I didn't warn you! Hahah!

I am sitting in my favorite spot to blog.. Comfy, with a cup of coffee and some tunes playing in the background. Being content with my surroundings, and attempting to come up with words to express the animosity I am feeling. I am not a person known to hate anyone, I VERY MUCH dislike the thought of hate in any way, shape or form, so I will just say that I am repulsed by the actions of the legal system.

As many of you know I am involved in a law suit against my previous OBGYN, Dr. Keelan, as well as the whole Brielle OBGYN practice. I say his name because I want it to be known that this Doctor is the reason my life changed forever. I was informed that if I choose to settle, I might not be legally allowed to "talk" about him, or what he has done to me, so I felt compelled to get it out while I still can.

In early January 2008 I was given a bio-physical profile after expressing my concerns that my unborn son was not as active as I felt he should be. A wonderful sonographer preformed this test. I went on my way with the assurance from Dr. Keelan that everything was fine. After Michael s death I received a copy of my records which indicated that his nuchal cord was seen on that particular ulrtasound, and that the Dr was made aware that the sonographer was concerned. However, I was NEVER made aware of this. At no point in time was it brought to my attention. This was a situation that should have called for increased fetal monitoring at the very least. Instead, I am left a grieving mother, due to the lack of attention this Dr had. I wish I knew why he dismissed the sonographers report. I wish I knew what was more important, or why he chose to disregard me. There were plenty of appointments during my last month of pregnancy, each of which I expressed my growing concerns. I was told that he was just a "big baby", or it was just "in my head". There were plenty of warning signs, all which were ignored by the Dr's that I trusted my prenatal care to.

Angry does not even come close to how I feel about this. After I buried my son, I looked through my chart, with an intuition that something was not right. When I came across the ultrasound report, I was filled with rage.  How could a "reputable" doctor not make a woman aware of her unborn babies condition. Granted, 30 percent of babies are born with a loop or cord around their neck, and it doesn't always cause a problem. However, in my case, Michael had a double nuchal cord which was very tight, and warranted cause for concern..

My first instinct was to find this "man" and make him tell my why.. why he ignored this, why he didn't tell me, why he blew me off when I was scared and worried.. I wanted him to pay for what he did. I wanted his license revoked, I wanted to make the world aware that he ruined my life, After "this" happened to me, I had women that I didn't even know reach out to me. They told me how this practice, and this doctor caused them pain as well. That is when I sought out an attorney and started the very long, emotionally draining process of a law suit. I know that a suit will not change anything. It will not make Dr. Keelan a better doctor... It will not bring closure to me, and it will surely not get the attention of the public, nor will it keep him from practicing. But I cannot sit back and just accept the fact that this happened. I will fight, for my son, and for any other woman that this man has hurt.

It is mind boggling that a patient cannot easily find this sort of information about their doctor. Had I known he was involved in numerous suits, some which have been settled, I would have looked for another obstetrician. Had I known that after years of practicing, he had become lackadaisical in patient care, I would have NEVER trusted MY care to him. Unfortunately, this is something that is not made public knowledge. And I find this quite unsettling.

I know this sounds cliche... but I do believe everything happens for a reason. This week, during an ultrasound, a friend of mine was reconnected with that amazing sonographer. After talking, he gave her his phone number and information and asked her to give it to me. He wanted to help me in any way he could. I was in shock!! I wanted to pick up the phone right then and there! After 5 years, I was going to be able to have a candid conversation with this man! I often prayed that I would get this chance, and frequently thought about what I would say. Now that I had this opportunity, I was frozen with fear. I must have dialed that phone number 24 times before finally pressing the call button. I was terrified , but about 3 seconds into our conversation, my fear subsided, and there was a sense of comfort. We talked for at least an hour, and I felt confident that I was doing the right thing.

No amount of money will ever bring my son back. No amount of money will protect other women from enduring the same pain I feel.. and no amount of money will ever make this doctor realize his mistake, but I will never give up. Maybe this angel chose me to be his Mommy because I have a voice. A very loud voice to match my strong will. I have the motivation to speak up for those who cannot do so for themselves. The desire to make my story know, for if it helps one person I have done my job. I have the perseverance to continue, to educate and make others aware about such tragedy, so that it may be avoided. And most of all, to not let my precious baby's life be forgotten.

I cannot sue for wrongful death, because, according to the state of New Jersey, my son was just a fetus. He was not born breathing, and therefore had no value of life. However, I have heard that if a pregnant woman is murdered, there would be charges of two deaths. How is that possible? My son was very much alive! How can the state say that he wasn't? Not only is it appalling, it angers me beyond belief! How can you call it a baby in one instance, and just a fetus in another? I would love to speak to someone who could try to explain this to me... because I am completely dumbfounded.

Like I said before, there isn't anything I can think of that would bring closure to Michaels death. I will forever be a grieving mother. I will forever wonder "why me", and I will forever have a missing piece to my heart. But, I will NEVER EVER give up, settle, or abandon my feelings, and I will always speak out for what I believe in! Which means, I will tell the world about my experiences with Brielle OBGYN and Dr Keelan, while I still can!

Disorganization

As I sit here, writing this post, I am looking around at my very disorganized surroundings. My house is a disaster! It isn't necessarily dirty, just in disarray.. There is no sense of order at the moment, and it is wreaking havoc on my OCD. The house is under construction, there are walls where the sheetrock is gone, the kitchen floor has been ripped out, and most of the areas dedicated to organization are not able to be accessed. I cannot help but get overwhelmed when I look around.

I am usually pretty good at making due with what I am given. For some reason, I cannot find that happy medium... UGH!! I know that within the next few weeks I will have a beautiful new kitchen, and an awesome  new floor, but right now all I can think about it the mess. I am not even sure where to start, or if I should even try! There is literally shit everywhere. There are coats in the hallway, boxes in the living room, and my china is in a tote on the floor.. It is killing me!!

All week while I was at work I thought about all the ways to "fix" the disorganization. I made a list and came up with clever ways to minimize the chaos. Well, here I am, on my day off and there isn't an ounce of motivation in my body to do so. Granted, I have an appointment with the Endodontist this morning, which could very well be reason for lazy attitude.

I have been trying really hard to adjust to working. Fitting it into my other roles in life. It has been challenging, and I really am optimistic that it will fall into place, but on days like this I feel a little beaten. Usually I have my house cleaned, dinner situated and my head on straight. Lately, the laundry has been piling up (a chore I loathe anyway) dinner is half assed, and I am frazzled.  In times like this I guess it is important for me to just take it one day at a time, and keep my head up.. I can't give up! (But damn, this is difficult!) My confidence is a little squashed , but not completely absent. Just another day where I have to put my big girl pants on and deal! I really need to invest in another pair of BGP since mine are wearing a little thin these days!

One-uppers!

This post is dedicated to the all the people who have to deal with the "one-uppers"! You know, the select few that have to outdo whatever you say? I am fortunate to work with one! No matter what I say or do, this girl has to comeback with something "better"... Its actually quite amusing! I am pretty certain that it stems from high self esteem, or it could be just an awesome personality trait! (sensing the sarcasm??)

Today while I am at work I plan on seeing just how much better she is than me... Is that mean? I will challenge her to come up with superior accomplishments, just to make my day a little bit more entertaining. I will not have to try that hard since this commonly occurs with her.

How many of us deal with "these" people? What is the right way to handle working, living or acquainting such a delightful person? I know that there is gratification in being the "bigger" person and letting things like this slide. Seeing that this is a HUGE sign of poor self confidence, maybe playing on it with my co-worker is kind of being a bully.. I guess I should just have a little compassion for her, and simply deal with it. (As hard as that might be) It has been said that you should do at least one good deed daily. Maybe today I try to be tolerant, but I can't promise anything!

Gratitude

Everyone deserves a little recognition. A pat on the back, a hug or a simple "thank you" to let them know that they are appreciated. Sometimes we get lost in ourselves and cannot see all the wonderful people around us. I don't just mean our friends and family, of course they play a role in our lives, but also those who indirectly affect us. The girl at Quick Chek who always has a smile on her face. She can turn an ordinary trip to get a cup of coffee into a pleasant experience with her ability to lighten my morning. The crossing guard at my kids bus stop. Donna always has a joke or some crazy story that makes me laugh, even if I don't feel like smiling at that moment.  A neighbor who shovels my walk way when it snows, just because he is kind enough to do so. 

There are so many of these interactions that we encounter on a daily basis... but do we recognize them? What do we do to make someone else's day a little brighter? Today my goal is to be that person. To inspire someone, or make their day a little better. I will also be more aware of these special people, and let them know how they made a difference, no matter how small it might be. Having an opened mind and open heart to receive and give gratitude, appreciation, and joy. I challenge you to do the same! A small gesture can make a big impact on someones day.. 

February 11th

Since 1989 this day has been full of sadness, heartache and sorrow. 24 years ago my young brother, Robert, joined God. The pain and heartache my mother felt since then was something I could only try to understand. I was 8 years old when Robert passed away. A child that had no way of comprehending such tragedy. I just knew that my mother had a heavy heart, and she was sad.

In 2007 I found out I was expecting baby #3. After some testing, it was determined that February 11th was my due date. My first thought was not to tell my mother, and just say that my tentative due date was the 10th or 12th. ANYTHING but the 11th! Needless to say, she knew the real date. Maybe this wasn't such a bad day to welcome a new baby to the family. Maybe it was a sign from Robert. Maybe February 11th wouldn't carry such a sorrowful feeling anymore. As optimistic as I was, nothing could have prepared me for the fateful coincidences I would soon share with my mother.

My son was not born on February 11th. Instead, he was delivered on January 30th via C-section.. Michael was born sleeping. (a nice way to say stillborn) I now knew the heartbreak my mother knew and felt. The overwhelming emotional anguish, and pain of a heavy heart was something my mother and I now shared. As harsh as this might sound, this is not something I wanted to have in common with her. In the beginning of February I buried Michael 3 rows from my brother. I watched my, then 8 year old, daughter cry in the same cemetery, in the same winter cold as I did when I was a child,  and all for the same reason... To say goodbye to a baby boy. I could remember the pain and confusion I felt 19 years prior. And I now stood, just as my mother did trying to comprehend why this was happening to our family.. AGAIN!

I am not sure why things happen the way they do. I am not sure why my mother and I have to share such a grief stricken similarity. I am not sure why, right at this very moment, of all songs, "Tears in Heaven" started playing on the radio!! Come on!! Really??!!? I am listening to 90's rock!! Well, that did me in for the rest of this post...

Before I end this post, I want to share this picture I stole from my Aunt Amy's facebook wall. It is amazing and comforting to anyone who had endured the pain of a loss.

Damn it!

When I woke up this morning, I had an all to familiar feeling. The ache in my jaw was a very unwelcomed guest this morning. I knew right then and there.. I have an abscess... WONDERFUL! Just what I needed! (For those of you who don't know, I have had just about every dental procedure out there) After all the root canals, crowns, reconstruction, surgeries and whatnot,  I thought I was done with all this drama! I was totally wrong.

I went about my morning ignoring the pain, hoping it would subside, but once the afternoon hit, I realized that was NOT going to happen. I called my dentist, went to the office and had my hunch confirmed. BOO!! So now I am on a Z-Pack, and have an appointment for yet another root canal next Friday. Yay me! (insert sarcasm here)

That set the tone for how the rest of my day went. It was just one thing after another.. I got pulled over, got a ticket, went to the pharmacy only to notice my script was written wrong, had to call the Dr again, blah blah blah..  and the list goes on and on. Needless to say,  I was in a pretty shitty mood!  I decided to shake it off, laugh about the days misfortune and just keep swimming...

But I did have to say....  

" Damn it!" 

Compassion

While I was at work yesterday, I received a phone call from "Mr". He wanted to bring in an injured cat named Mommy. "Mr" informed me that her jaw was swollen and she had some blood around her nose. He also informed me that Mommy was not his cat, but his elderly neighbors. He felt bad that this woman couldn't financially care for Mommy, so he had taken on the responsibility. I made an appointment and within the hour "Mr." brought Mommy in. 

This cat was such a sweet old girl, she had to have been about 15 years old. You could tell she was loved, and pretty well taken care of. Her little white face was swollen and she couldn't move her jaw. Through her discomfort and obvious pain, all she wanted was some affection, which I gladly gave her.  Mommy rubbed up against my hand, purring and enjoying the attention she was receiving as "Mr" told me what was going on. Apparently Mommy is an outdoor kitty, who shows up to his home on a daily basis. This morning, her visit was more concerning than happy. He had a feeling there was some sort of trauma inflicted to her face, and feared that someone had kicked her. As hard as it was to wrap my head around that, and examination proved that to be likely, and it seemed as though she had a broken jaw. 

After some lengthy tests, and X-rays the doctor determined that her jaw was not broken (insert sigh of relief) but she did have nerve damage. She was given some pain medication and released to the care of "Mr".  I thought about this cat all damn night! I considered all possible ways that this could have happened to her... Anything other than somebody's foot. It made me sad to see such a beautiful, loving creature in such pain, and angered me to think that it would be purposeful. 

 Part of my daily work routine is to make follow up calls, and this afternoon I was certainly not looking forward to calling "Mr" in fear that he might not have good news to share. As I picked up the phone, I could feel myself becoming emotional, almost preparing myself for the worst. "Mr" answered the phone just as I was about to hang up. He told me that Mommy seemed to be in "better spirits" and that he was grateful for all that we did for her. According to "Mr", Mommy is now going to remain an indoor cat and be very well looked after. I expressed to him that his compassion was inspiring to me, and his empathy was something I admired. Before our phone conversation ended, "Mr" left me with this:

"Excellence is achievable, but only if compassion is the bottom line."

This post might have been a little bit of a ramble about an unfortunate kitty, but it all has to do with that sentence.  I only wish more people had compassion. Maybe I am overly sensitive, or emotional.. but this one man, one cat and one sentence has left such an impression on me!

Ignorance is Bliss

I am an unfortunate person. I would like to think that my intelligence is what makes me so. Have you ever noticed that the happiest of people are more likely to be the dumbest? Now, please do not think I am implying that if you are happy you are stupid, that is not what I mean. I simply think that the more knowledge you possess, the more you over analyze things.

I tend to hold onto information..( a lot which is useless) and it has a tendency to stimulate unhealthy thinking. Ideas that the unexpected can happen at any moment. The line between possible and probable disappears, and everything has a consequence or some sort of significance. I have also noticed that the majority of people who suffer from anxiety are also some of the most intelligent.

Experience also plays a factor. I have witnessed, been through and heard of things that have scared the living shit out of me. Crazy scenarios where if you weren't there, you would never have believed. Events that have left an imprint on my memory, and scarred  blemished my thoughts. A simple task turned tragic, or an unbelievable turn of events leading to some sort of demise.

It is amusing to me how a person can learn, gain awareness, and comprehend new ideas, but one cannot unlearn such things. I wish there was a way to forget the awful impressions. A way to forget the knowledge that invades my thoughts and heightens my fears. Wouldn't it be lovely to erase all of the crappy memories we retain?

As contradicting as this may sound, I want to be smart and ignorant at the same time. Hahah. If that was only possible. Having the best of both worlds.. SIGH.. Guess I will just have to deal with it. I can't help but wonder how Albert Einstien did it?  I know he believed that imagination was more important than knowledge. What a great way to think! Now, if I could just get my imagination to be more positive, I should be on the right track! That is my goal for today!