Crazed, frenzied, loony, unsettling, and of course, insane! Those are just a few words that describe how the last 8 months have been! There have been quite a few LOTS of moments where I have felt like I was losing it. ( like, legitimately losing it!) Transitioning to being a single parent, working, maintaining some sort of "normalcy" in our new routine, and most recently losing my job, have most definitely made me question my sanity. Lets not forget trying to "start over" at 30 something and how perplexing that can be! And even though I think I am doing pretty well, there is always that little voice inside that says "you can do better!" (that stupid, fucking nagging voice!)
The other day I kind of, somewhat, possibly, might have had a melt down. The kind of melt down that even a pint of Ben and Jerry's couldn't have fixed! As hard as it was to go through, and as much anger as it made me feel, I am glad it happened. After a long talk, and lots of tears I came to the realization that it was very much needed. In order to grow, and move forward, I needed to break down and feel the emotions that I had been trying to suppress for so long.
Having that mini nervous breakdown enabled me to look at my situations differently. Gaining an awareness of what I can change, and what I am unable to change was an extremely important. It was encouraging, motivating, and most of all, enlightening.
Although the prior months have been challenging, I have accomplished quite a lot.. Nowhere close to the goals I had set, but the more I think about it, the more I realize that I might have set the bar a little high. I have yet to learn to cut myself a break, but I am diligently working on that, with my new realistic goals. I am learning that things take time, and in order to succeed one must have patience. I am now confident in areas of my life I have never felt confident before. That is an amazing feeling by the way!
I am going back to the way of thinking that got me this far... where my commitment to myself was vigorous, and my motivation was plentiful. Waking up with an optimistic outlook, and a positive attitude is going to become a priority again! (dammit!) Allowing myself to make mistakes and learn from them, rather than letting them define me. Keeping my goals, hopes and dreams close in mind will keep me on the path to achieving them!
