Excited

I am truly excited today... I did it! I made it through my first shift! Yes, I am going to pat myself on the back and celebrate! It has been some time since I have had a job, and I am very eager to get back onto the working world!

With all the happiness and sense of accomplishment, I have to admit I am a little nervous. I now have to fit work into everything else. I am pretty confident I can manage, but it is a little unsettling! I am certain that it will all fall into place, and become a new normal routine. I just have to figure out how to balance it all....  Maybe that is what scares me. I am so afraid of failing ...and, at times, that keeps me from doing much of anything. I am not going to let that stop me anymore!! Living in fear is not living, and the feeling I get when I accomplish such is well worth all the anxiety it caused.

It is decided! I am grabbing this bull by the horns, and riding it into submission! Ha! Take that!

Five Years....

Five years ago today my life changed forever. I vividly remember the details of January 2008 as if they happened yesterday. As challenging as it is, I want to look at today as a day of remembrance. My son had a very short life, one that I was fortunate enough to know.

 To some, Michael was a thought. A new nephew, grandson, cousin and friend was due to arrive in February. I say he was a thought because to most, the only sign of his life was my ever growing abdomen, the feeling of a slight kick when a hand was pressed to my belly, and the obvious accumulation of infant supplies taking over our tiny house. A thought that soon, a new baby would be here to love, hold, kiss and tend to. Had I known that was not to happen, I would have valued my pregnancy much more.  Every kick, every hiccup and every nudge would have been looked at as a miracle.

Five years ago today, my dreams were ripped from my grasp. Five years ago today I was told that my son had died, and there was nothing that could be done. I can remember the sonographers face, as she looked to me with tears streaming from her eyes. "I'm sorry, I don't see anything".. What? What do you mean? How does this happen? How can my son just be gone? Is this a bad dream? Am I imagining this? Then it all hit me.. I was very much awake, I was very much conscious, and this was very much happening. 

The remainder of this day was filled with shock, tears and loving embraces from family and friends who came to show their support. Around 8:30 pm, almost 10 agonizing hours after knowing what was to happen, my beautiful son Michael Patrick was delivered by C-section. At first, I didn't know what to expect. I was frightened, and unsure if I even wanted to see him. At this point I had no idea what had happened, and was terrified of the thought that my last memory of him would be a horrible one. I was reassured by one of the nurses that he was a gorgeous, perfect baby, and at that moment all I wanted was to hold my son. He was indeed gorgeous, and perfect. His face was round, and chubby, and his head was covered in fine, blonde hair. He had the same hands as Kerrin and his little toes were just like Riley's.

The brief time I did have with him is something I am ever grateful for. I am unsure why I was chosen to be this angels mother, but I have to think that I was blessed to have felt his short life. Even though it is a struggle, I have managed to cope with the pain. learning how to incorporate it into my life. In no way does that make it any less distressing, it just makes it a little easier to keep going. Today, I will celebrate my little ones life. I will smile through my tears, and know that he is watching over me.

Michael's footprints. 

Choosing Happiness

Today I am choosing to be happy. I will try my damnedest to overlook the minor things, and not let frustration dictate my mood. What is the point of succumbing to aggravation? It isn't as if walking around with my panties in a bunch is comfortable or fun, so why do it? 

There are so many things to be happy about! 

Here are a few things that make me smile, lighten my heart and lift my spirits..

Kerrin's determination.. 

This summer Kerrin wanted to surf. She never once wanted to call it quits, was eager to continue and was committed to succeeding. Proud doesn't come close to the feeling I had knowing my 12 year old has such motivation and dedication. 

Riley's Wit..

She is one funny kid. Her sense of humor is well beyond that of any 10 year old I have known. She is quick, smart and clever. There are times where she can just shoot me a look and I am laughing.. 

My Friends..

Always there when I need them, and never a dull moment. It could be something as simple as a peanut butter sandwich, (thanks Kate) A mixed up word. (usually Tami) or an honest opinion. (Becky)

They are awesome!

Cake..

Enough said.

My family..

There are so many characters in my family tree.. Each one with a special trait that brings us together. We are all a bit quirky, strange and a little unconventional, but it works, and I love it. I can't imagine having a boring and typical family.. I most certainly wouldn't fit into such a thing... 

Inspiration

Where do you find inspiration? A book? Friends? An awesome song, color or, my personal favorite.. a great quote? 

I find inspiration everywhere.. Lately, its been through friends.. but today I came across this wonderful quote that I have seen and read a few times before.. 

How true is this??

It is only 15 words but it sure says a lot! When I read this, it gives me the motivation to press on! (As scary as that might be) To stay in a state of depression or anxiety is oddly comfortable since it is familiar. Its almost unsettling to be calm since being anxious has become the normal for me. There are days where I am cool as a cucumber and don't notice the absence of the nervousness, those are great days!! I want more of them!! 

Deciding to be peaceful isn't as easy as flipping a switch. (wouldn't that be wonderful if it was??!) It takes determination and a lot of patience. (and sometimes medication.. haha) Staying on the remote Isle of Panic is not an option for me. I want off!! I want to set sail and find new shores to explore. Lands abundant in peace, tranquility and well being. A sort of paradise where heart palpitations are from too much coffee.. not a sign of impending doom.. where a headache is just a headache and not an aneurysm. Where being imperfect is perfectly acceptable, worry is just a word, and days are full of laughter and joy.. Ahhhh.. sounds like heaven!

Now, how do I get there? I guess I should start building a boat, one sturdy enough to handle the rough waters, and ease the fear as I lose sight of the shore. A strong and comfortable vessel that can handle the waves of uncertainty with ease.  Yes, that is what I need to do. 

Inspiration shall be my boat, and keep me on track to my ideal destination. Continuing to press forward through my  panic and apprehension will be challenging, but I am ready to confront my fears.

Wish me luck! Bon Voyage!! 

I am lucky

Everyone should have someone to lean on. Someone to turn to when you are in need, who listens without judgment or criticism. A special person to lift your spirits when you are feeling down.
Sometimes these special someones aren't who we would expect them to be. Not everyone can be compassionate, or caring in the way we think they should. Without getting into that too much for sake of pissing anyone off, lets just say I have such the case. The people in my life I feel as though I should be able to depend on, are not always there or have the capability to offer such support.

 With that being said, I do have a wonderful bunch of friends that I can always count on. They have been there  through good times, bad times and everywhere else in between. I cannot imagine my life without them, and I only hope that I return the love and support they bring to my life. Even though I am grateful for them, I can't help but feel a little cheated. I say that because my friends pick up where others leave off. That isn't fair to them, and sometimes leaves me feeling like a "needy" friend.

I start to wonder if there is something wrong with me... Am I not good enough? Do I need too much attention? Why doesn't so&so know I need them right now? How can they just ignore me? Do they not care? Why don't they care? Are they even capable of caring?  Why am I even wasting time thinking about this??  All this leads to resentment and disappointment. Two emotions I rather not have.

I would like to think my self esteem is at a healthy level...  I am not completely unfortunate looking, I am kind, caring and at times I even impress myself with my creativeness, however this aspect of my life challenges it.  I am to blame, since I let it happen. That amuses me because I am super confident and self-assured in most other areas of my life... so why does this bother me so much? I might not ever get the answer to that question. (put that on the list of others...)

This post kind of turned into a rant.. Not my intention!! But it felt good to get it out!!  AAAhhhhh....
I would hate to end this on a bad note... so I will leave with this...

\

It's Time..

Ok, this pity party has to end! I have wasted too many days feeling sorry for myself. Time to snap out of it, and get my ass moving in a positive direction. I might have to "fake it til' I make it", but I am determined to get out of this funk! 

With that being said I now have to figure out how to go about it.. Deciding to move forward is easy.. actually taking the first step is the hard part. I need to get out of my head! Where do I start? There are so many things to catch up on.. laundry, dusting, and lets not forget scrubbing the bathrooms! Sounds pretty fun! (Insert sarcasm here) Is this what my life has become? Sure, having a clean house is satisfying, but spending all day making it sparkle, only to have it become a shitmess again by dinner time is not exactly my idea of an accomplishment. Housework is just something that is expected of me and weather or not I feel like doing it.. it has to get done. 

There is always my camera. I have a way of getting lost in my Nikon. I am not a great photographer, but there is something about taking pictures that gives me an appreciation of life. Not sure if that makes sense to anyone else. Its almost as if I can freeze a moment in time. Some photo's I have taken spark such emotion in me.. I can remember how I was feeling at that very second.

Here is an example:

 To anyone else this is just a picture of 2 butterflies. When I look at this, I can feel the warmth of that spring day. I remember sitting on a picnic blanket with my girls enjoying a snack outside in the sunshine, and the overwhelming amount of baby monarchs swarming the fragrant, purple salvia in my garden. It was amazing. Just seeing this picture improves my mood.

It is decided! I am going to get my ass of this computer, ignore the desire to put on sweatpants, and get moving! No matter how loud the couch calls my name, I will not surrender to the urges of laziness.  I will stand strong and get something accomplished! 

Ok, self pep talk is over.. time to get a move on! 

overwhelmed

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't come up with a better way to describe my feelings today other than overwhelmed. I thought about all the other words that might "sound" better, but I can't sugarcoat it.. I am simply OVERWHELMED!

There are so many things that I am struggling with lately. I just feel as though I am in limbo. That is such an uncomfortable feeling! Waiting for answers to questions that linger on my mind all day everyday, not knowing where things are going, or when they will be over can be mighty exhausting!

Having a wonderful support system does bring me comfort. Friends and family to talk to eases some of the anxiety, however doesn't erase it completely. It is almost as if I am waiting for something, and I don't even know what that something is! Will the resolution of this emotionally draining law suit will ease my mind?  Will starting my new career help, or will whatever it is work itself out in time?  As aggravating as it can be, I hold on to hope that I will just know it when it happens.

 I should just stop trying to figure it out, since that is the causing me to feel even more overwhelmed! (what a vicious cycle!) Maybe some questions don't have answers, and I should just stop analyzing everything so much. Guess it is time to put my big girl pants on and deal with it. (Now if I only remembered where my big girl pants are...)

January Sucks.

I have noticed that in the last 22 days, my anxiety has skyrocketed . I figured it was just the change in season, or normal nerves about starting a new job, etc. In the last week I have felt run down, exhausted, and just plain BLAH! This morning it hit me. It is January!

 For the past 5 years January has been a challenge. No matter what excuses I come up with for my physical and emotional state, it all boils down to the fact that January sucks! I attempt to distract myself with projects, friends, family, or whatever, but that doesn't last forever, and depression and its pal anxiety pay me a very unwelcomed visit.

A wise woman once told me that if you ignore your feelings, they gain strength and come back to kick your ass. Boy, was she right! No matter how hard I try to disregard my emotions, they are still there . I have to accept that January is a challenging month for me. This year, instead of celebrating my son's 5th birthday, I will most likely be in meetings with attorneys fighting to get some sort of justice, which may or may not bring some sort of closure. I doubt it will. Nothing can ease the pain of losing a child.

I can't help but wonder if January will always be so shitty. Its not as if I only think of my baby during this month. Why is it that much harder 31 days out of the year?  My anger, frustration and sadness is at an all time high. My moods are lower, my patience are gone, and everything seems to piss me off. I find myself distracted, heavyhearted and despondent, which is very much contradictory to my "normal" self.

Determination will keep me going. That I am sure of. Part of me would love to play into the emotions the month brings, but it is only a small part, one that I can overpower with my love of life. It's important for me to acknowledge that January is an emotionally distressing time of year, and accept it. It is important for me to feel the emotions, but not let them take over. Allowing them to be felt without giving them power.

Maybe January will always suck, but I am hopeful that I will learn to cope with it better as the years go by.

No Motivation Monday

The title says it all. I have ZERO motivation today! Ugh!! I wrote a list of things that I would like to accomplish, and that is far as I have gotten. I hate days like this! Even though the thought of being lazy and lounging in sweatpants is very tempting, I know that A) it is not an option and B) I would feel even shittier if I did that.

Maybe the gray weather is the cause? Maybe I am just sick of cleaning the same shit every day, or maybe it is simply just a lackadaisical attitude. Whatever it is, 5 cups of coffee has yet to help! Something's got to give and soon!

There is laundry to do, floors to vacuum, bathrooms to scrub, and lets not forget the dusting! I am tired just thinking about it! Maybe I should just watch an episode of Hoarders. That is sure to light a fire under my ass!
Yep! That is what I need to do! (and the procrastination continues!)

Favorites Friday.

One thing I absolutely LOVE is photography. My camera is just another outlet for creativity. I don't like taking "posed" photo's. I like to capture moments as they just happen. Snapping a few shots of something that might not be appealing to some, but to me they are beautiful. Here are a few of my favorites. I hope you enjoy!

Why my dog is a jerk

This is Lola. 

She is a Black and Tan Coonhound.

&

She is a jerk.

 She is a master of hunting, food. She can open my bottom mount freezer with ease, and happily helps herself to frozen tater tots, frozen steak and sometimes even ice cream. I have to "Lola proof" my entire house. That means, locks on the freezer, no garbage can in my home, locking of the front door since she can open it, and making sure there is nothing edible within her reach. 

What a pain in the ass! I often find her like this:

Yes, that is my dining room table. See! She is a jerk! But I love her to death! With all of her drool, obnoxiousness, and her VERY loud bark (that seems endless) she has a way of making me overlook all of her shenanigans. She is an amazing snuggler, she likes to wear clothes and she somehow has a way of comforting me when I need it. 

It is my fault she is a jerk. The Christmas I was pregnant with Michael, Santa left this tiny, long eared, wrinkled puppy under our tree. Our other dog, Gracie, (a.k.a. the best dog ever), welcomed this little black pup with open paws. Life with two dogs was proving to be good. I was nearing my due date and determined to get Lola house-trained, and obedient by my son's arrival. Then, "it" happened. 

 Lola's training was put on the back burner. I didn't have the energy to train a puppy. I looked at Lola as something to hold, and cuddle. To fill the ache of my empty arms. "She is just a puppy, she will grow out of it" is what I told myself. Big mistake. For the most part, my unhealthy attachment to my dog is what made her the way she is today. My needs to fill a void left me with a 5 year old dog that sits on my table, and still has accidents in the house. But through it all, she helped me get through the hardest part of my life, and I am grateful for that. 

Lola might not be the ideal dog. She might make my life a little complicated, and she might be a jerk, but I still love it when she climbs up on my sofa for a snuggle. 

I know how important it is for a dog to have discipline, and I know that it is possible to teach an old dog new tricks. For her sake and mine, I continually strive to train her. Its not easy, and it seems as though it is a lost cause, but I can't give up! 

WTF Wednesday

There are some days where WTF runs through my head all day! This post is all about those things.. I have decided that a rant might be therapeutic, so here is a list of shit that makes me say "WTF?!" Please feel free to comment with things that make you say WTF?!
(Mind you, they are not in any particular order, nor is it a full list.. that would be way to long)

1. 11 year olds that wear makeup. It looks awful!
2. Mens eyelashes. Why did God waste beautiful, full, perfectly curled lashes on men?
3. Blue licence plates.. Need I say more?
4. Self service check out lanes. I think they purposefully set the scanners to "slow as f8ck" which in turn makes it take at least 20 minutes to check out.
5. People with naturally perfect skin, (F you!) And that leads to..
6. Proactive. I have used that shit religiously and it didn't do all that the infomercial promised!
7. Lucky people. You know, the kind who win $500 bucks on a dollar scratch off that you gave them in a birthday card?
8. Admiring someones shoes, shirt, dress and finding out they got them like 400 years ago at a store that doesn't exist anymore.
9. Anxiety.
10. The news. That is just chock ful' o' WTF!

Blue Paint

As I am singing in the shower this morning (I am a rock star by the way) I was looking at the color of the bathroom walls. It got me thinking about how I am never confident in the choices I make. Indecision is one of my biggest personality flaws. It took me a week to pick the "perfect" color for this room, and I HATE IT! This blue has been on the walls for 4 years, and in that time I have yet to decide on the "right" color to repaint.

 It is almost as if I am terrified of not picking a suitable color that I would be happy with. This happens not just with the choices in paint colors , but with EVERY aspect of my life. I am one of those people who will stare at the assortment of donuts offered at D&D and panic as the line forms behind me. Will I enjoy the boston cream, should I just get the apple crumb, or would I be better off sticking to a plain glazed? No doubt, whichever I choose, I will have thought about the other options as I devour the deliciousness.

 I have heard that you should just trust your gut, go with your instincts, blah blah blah... That doesn't work for me. I constantly second guess myself. Boots or sneakers? Chicken or pasta? Did I say the wrong thing? Am I fuc**ing up my kids? AAHHHHH.... I guess it is all part of having anxiety, being a Libra, or just having estrogen.

The thought of making a bad decision used to cripple me with fear. It prevented me from obtaining goals and dreams. It kept me in a state of panic, even in situations where I should have been be calm and happy. I can't let it define who I am though. I am more than just my fear. I am more than the worry, and anxiety. Everyday I have to make decisions, some big, some small. (the bigger ones still freak me out) Then I think about all that I have accomplished and it keeps my head straight. I went back to school, and did very well. I have two wonderful daughters that are the light of my life.. and I like to think that they are well rounded kids. (I guess I am not fu**ing them up too much) I am strong enough to continue with a very emotional law suit in search of justice for my son.

Working on being more confident is a priority for me.. self growth is something I think should never cease. My flaws are a piece of me, but they are not all of who I am. Perfection is an unattainable goal,  that nobody should seek. Having expectations is a wonderful thing, as long as they are within reach. This is another thing I strive to live by. I try and not hold expectations of others too high. However, the ones I hold to myself might be a little on the elevated side. (Guess I should work on that one too)

It is funny how something as silly as a blue bathroom can make you think so deeply about yourself. How a simple shower can bring some sort of realization, and enlightenment. One minute you are belting out your favorite Prince song, and the next you are analyzing your life. I guess that is a blessing in a way. Being able to point out your own faults, and making the effort to correct them. I am going to turn this hatred for the blue paint into gratitude today... That is a decision I am confident in making.

Dreams

It's funny how our dreams change. I can't remember all of mine as a kid, but I know being a princess was in there somewhere. I wanted to live in a castle on the water and have lots of ponies and pretty dresses. Come to think about it.. maybe I haven't deviated away from that dream as much as I thought.. I mean, what girl doesn't want to be a princess? 

I have a whole new outlook on life. I guess that is what happens when you grow up. Things that mattered when I was younger are not even worries now. I am one of those women who rather have friends and family over for a home cooked meal, rather then eat at a fancy, expensive restaurant. I am one of those women who enjoys the hunt of finding an old, discarded picture frame, seeing the beauty of the chipped paint, and realizing that it would be a great chalk board, or calender.

Rather than a castle, I now dream of finding an old farmhouse to rehab. 

           Like this...      :)

I would fill it with found treasures and family heirlooms. It would be something out of a country living magazine! An old farmhouse dining table, that seats 20 people. Beamed ceilings, and paned glass windows that over looked a barn covered in roses.

Instead of ponies and pretty dresses, I would have pigs and chickens. 

What led me to this new dream? Is it just a vision I now have as I mature? (ok, maybe mature is too harsh of a word) Or have my experiences in life guided me to this new idea? I like to think that it is both. 

What were your dreams? Have they changed? 

Me...

I was struggling with what to post. After about 45 minutes of staring at a blank page, the title of "Me.." popped into my noggin. Getting an idea of who I am as a person might make my future posts make a little more sense. Like I said in my first post.. this is an outlet for me.. which I can only assume would indicate some randomness with my content.

 If you already know me personally, you are probably aware that I deal with, suffer from ,  have some anxiety issues. Come to find out that I am not the only one! (who knew?) Being creative has always been like therapy to me. When I have accomplished something, whether it be baking something delicious, or taking an old door and making it a desk, I get a sense of achievement. A feeling as if I climbed Mt. Everest. (ok, maybe a little exaggerated, but you get it right?) 

Now, I don't always finish what I set out to do.. I am certain that I am not alone on this one.. You know.. the half done scrapbook you swore you would finish, or the scarf you were hellbent on knitting? But I look at them as "on hold" instead of "undone". One thing I do accomplish on a daily basis is seeing something beautiful within the day. That is one of the most IMPORTANT things to do. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of days where this is a struggle.. but there has to be something that you see, hear, read etc. that  gives you some feeling of awe. For instance, the other day was proving to be "one of those days". My pants didn't fit, I lost one of my shoes, my dog spilled my last cup of coffee, and no matter how many times I tried, my eyeliner looked as if my 10 year old tried to apply it with her toes. I was in a serious funk and it was only 10 am! As I was rummaging through my jewelry box, I came across the necklace my youngest gave me for Christmas, its a small heart that says "Mom". Everything that happened in the last two hours was minuscule now. I put on the necklace with a refreshing exhale and realized that I am truly blessed. Yes, something as insignificant as this necklace reminded me of Riley, and the undeniable beauty of being a mother. Without my amazing daughters there might not be so much chaos, and my life would be boring! After this, I went about my day with a different mindset. I should remember not to put my jeans in the dryer, and a quick smudge made my crooked eyeliner look purposefully smokey. It was going to be a better day!

My Riley-Bug

a little bit about why I am blogging...

A lot of people write in journals.. diaries, calenders, or something similar. They get their thoughts and ideas out on paper. Well, I have tried this so many times, and all I have to show for it is a bunch of pretty notebooks with illegible text, or a binder full of ideas and recipes that I can never find when I need to. 

I guess this is why I decided to start blogging. Maybe no one will read this.. maybe people will not be interested in my thoughts, ideas or accomplishments.. but I am looking at it as an outlet for my silly, inspirational, and sometimes caffeine induced thoughts    :)

I chose to name this blog "my ordinary exceptional life" because I am very much ordinary, but have had some pretty awesome and some not so awesome things transpire.