Blue Paint

As I am singing in the shower this morning (I am a rock star by the way) I was looking at the color of the bathroom walls. It got me thinking about how I am never confident in the choices I make. Indecision is one of my biggest personality flaws. It took me a week to pick the "perfect" color for this room, and I HATE IT! This blue has been on the walls for 4 years, and in that time I have yet to decide on the "right" color to repaint.

 It is almost as if I am terrified of not picking a suitable color that I would be happy with. This happens not just with the choices in paint colors , but with EVERY aspect of my life. I am one of those people who will stare at the assortment of donuts offered at D&D and panic as the line forms behind me. Will I enjoy the boston cream, should I just get the apple crumb, or would I be better off sticking to a plain glazed? No doubt, whichever I choose, I will have thought about the other options as I devour the deliciousness.

 I have heard that you should just trust your gut, go with your instincts, blah blah blah... That doesn't work for me. I constantly second guess myself. Boots or sneakers? Chicken or pasta? Did I say the wrong thing? Am I fuc**ing up my kids? AAHHHHH.... I guess it is all part of having anxiety, being a Libra, or just having estrogen.

The thought of making a bad decision used to cripple me with fear. It prevented me from obtaining goals and dreams. It kept me in a state of panic, even in situations where I should have been be calm and happy. I can't let it define who I am though. I am more than just my fear. I am more than the worry, and anxiety. Everyday I have to make decisions, some big, some small. (the bigger ones still freak me out) Then I think about all that I have accomplished and it keeps my head straight. I went back to school, and did very well. I have two wonderful daughters that are the light of my life.. and I like to think that they are well rounded kids. (I guess I am not fu**ing them up too much) I am strong enough to continue with a very emotional law suit in search of justice for my son.

Working on being more confident is a priority for me.. self growth is something I think should never cease. My flaws are a piece of me, but they are not all of who I am. Perfection is an unattainable goal,  that nobody should seek. Having expectations is a wonderful thing, as long as they are within reach. This is another thing I strive to live by. I try and not hold expectations of others too high. However, the ones I hold to myself might be a little on the elevated side. (Guess I should work on that one too)

It is funny how something as silly as a blue bathroom can make you think so deeply about yourself. How a simple shower can bring some sort of realization, and enlightenment. One minute you are belting out your favorite Prince song, and the next you are analyzing your life. I guess that is a blessing in a way. Being able to point out your own faults, and making the effort to correct them. I am going to turn this hatred for the blue paint into gratitude today... That is a decision I am confident in making.