The hardest and the right....

      Lately this particular quote has been stuck in my head.  Lately I have been withdrawn and despondent. Lately, my mind has been focused on the "what if's", and I have been an anxiety ridden mess. Lately, I am not myself. Lately I have been caught up in an emotional battle of the right thing being the hardest thing.  Lately I have been angry at the pessimistic attitude I possess.

      There have been PLENTY of times in my life where I have felt like this.. where I have been broken from pressure, or grief and I have always managed to pick up the pieces.  My optimism and my determined attitude has always kept me from falling apart completely. I can only hope that this will be the case in my current battle. I suppose it ought to start with a rational perspective that even though it is going to be extremely difficult, it is indeed the right thing. I have to allow myself to feel the emotions as they come, and not try to suppress them. I need to let go of the anger, and the self pity.(That shit will rob you of all happiness) There is no doubt in my mind that you can love something or someone so much that you are blinded from reality. Maybe there has been lingering doubt, but it has been camouflaged by hope, or a desire for happiness. Living in a routine that has left a sense of unfulfilled complacency. As contradictory as that might sound, it is how I have been feeling. Not wanting to "make waves" or upset others has left me in a state of apprehension.

  Holding on to things I cannot change is exhausting, as the weight of past is a very heavy load I tend to carry. Constantly thinking of how things could have gone differently, or what I could have done to change is starting to wear on me. It is ruining my relationships with everyone and that is not something I can let happen anymore. Fall 7 times, stand up 8.... Today I choose to get up and take the first step. Leaving the heaviness behind me and moving forward even if it will be one of the most difficult things I will ever have to do, because sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.

Appreciation for Everyone

For a few years, I have had the feeling as if I was alone with my craziness. What I mean is.. looking at life through a different lens than others. Appreciating individuals for what they bring to my life, knowing that each person has something to teach me, whether it is beneficial, or not.  I love learning how others view life, and listening to what drives them. I tend to be an emotional person.. I cry about everything! I cry when I am sad, I cry when I am happy, I cry when I am overwhelmed, when I laugh too hard, and sometimes I cry when I see something beautiful. I am likely to over-analyze any given situation, and always attempt to put myself in someone else's shoes to understand where they might be coming from. That doesn't mean that I always agree.. but it helps me to be sympathetic. I am a HUGE believer in Karma... as cliche as that might sound.. but I honestly feel whatever you put out, life will return to you. I am not sure how quick Karma's turnaround is, and sometimes it seems as though I have been waiting forever. Ha!

 I feel as though sometimes others might view my outlook as unusual. Not everyone has compassion, or consideration.. (I feel bad for those people.) Recently I started working, and luckily my job lets me be that compassionate and caring person I am. For instance: This weekend I had a client call in a panic that her dog was sick. He wasn't "acting" himself. To some, that would have been an annoyance since the only appointment available was at 6pm, and to be honest, at first I was a bit irritated because I had dinner plans with my friends. Six O'clock rolls around and she comes in with her 13 year old dog,  I could just tell he wasn't doing well, at that moment my irritation was gone. After talking to her for a minute, I felt as though she and I had some sort of connection.. Did she work somewhere I frequent? Is she the mom of someone I knew? I couldn't quite put my finger on it.  After they assess the dog, they give him some medications, and she comes to the desk to check out, we start talking again. She lets me know that the dog was her daughters, whom had passed away 4 years ago. Instantly my eyes well up, and I start crying. She smiles and tells me it's ok. This is when I share our similarity. Needless to say, we both were crying at that point, and we talked for another 30 minutes about grief,  the need to keep living, and the attachment we have to our dog. I think I might have even given her a hug. (OK, I did)

This is where that whole "appreciation for everyone" comes into play. This woman shared something personal, and our conversation reiterated to me that everyone is fighting a battle.. hers happens to be the loss of her child.. and I can understand that. She also made an impression with her words.. "Things happen in life that we have no control over, and no matter how hard we try, we just have to learn, and let go." I know I have been told that before, but for some reason, it sunk in when she said it. I understood what that meant now.

When I came into work Monday, I saw that the little dog had passed away. (yes, I cried) I wanted to call her right away and give her my condolences, however, I didn't. Tuesday, she called the office, and I immediately picked up the phone. I expressed my sympathies, and let her know I had been thinking of her. She graciously thanked me for being supportive and we talked for a while. After hanging up the phone I smiled because I realized that this woman left had an impression on my life that will stick with me, and I am grateful for that.

way too long

It has been over a month since my last post. Wow! That time flew by..

The last few weeks have been filled with cheer-leading, work, volunteering, and not to mention all the things going on in my house. There has been some really wonderful times, as well as some extremely stressful moments. The kitchen is about 90% complete, and the girls have worked extra hard for the Cheer competition that is just 2 weeks away. Taking on an extra shift at work has been a smidge frustrating, but it is  temporary, and I just have to remind myself of that. I finally feel as though normalcy is returning to daily life. The routine that has been non existent for the last few months is nearly back to its usual chaos.

I had oodles of ideas for my next blog post.. and now that I am sitting here, none seem adequate or fit my mood. Maybe I just have to get back into the swing of things... my writing is a bit rusty. The ability to relax and get out my thoughts is something unfamiliar to me now.. since lately my "free time" has been very limited, but, I am confident that in the near future I will be back to ranting and raving on my little blog!

Keeping that PMA!

I am not ashamed to admit that I am one of those "approval seeking" types in that I need to be told that I am appreciated. I do not think that is necessarily a bad thing, but it definitely puts me into the "needy" category. I sometimes second guess my decisions, for fear of disappointing others. Confidence is one of those personal characteristics I lack at times. That is not to say that I always doubt myself, just in certain situations. I am not sure as to why, but feeling as though I am "good enough" is important. Being told that I am a good friend, mother, sister, daughter or that I did a good job is considerably essential to my pride. That might sound a bit foolish, however, it is the truth.

I make every effort to show my gratitude towards others... whether it is a simple text message, or a long conversation, I try to let the people in my life know I value them. Acknowledging their achievements and celebrating their successes.. or just boosting their self esteem. I believe everyone needs to hear that they are wonderful, or doing a good job! I know that self approval is just as important, but it doesn't hurt to hear it from others every now and then.This is where the line is a bit smeared for me. I have a tendency to seek the compliments or approvals a little to much. I rely on them to give me the self assurance I need.

Today, my personal challenge is to be more confident... To not seek approval from anyone else ... and to be sure of the decisions I am making. Having a positive mental attitude about myself without the second guessing. I am going to leave the uncertainty, apprehension, and doubt behind to make room for the self gratification I deserve!

Happiness from within

“Happiness comes from within. It is not dependent on external things or on other people. You become vulnerable and can be easily hurt when your feelings of security and happiness depend on the behavior and actions of other people. Never give your power to anyone else.”

-Brian Weiss

                                         

 What a powerful quote! It speaks such truth, yet I see a flaw. As much as I agree that happiness comes from within, how can one be truly happy if they are surrounded by others who do not share the same optimism? Do you cut the "Debbie Downers" out of your life? Is hurting others at the expense of your own happiness really being happy? I get the "you only live once", and I totally agree that  "life is short", as cliche as that all sounds, yet I can't help feel as though true happiness comes with a price. 

Society paints a picture as to what "happiness" is. Happiness is wealth, marriage, children, a good career, vacations, etc... But in my mind, happiness is love, understanding and appreciation. Being spontaneous, and silly is something that will guarantee me a good time. To some, that is immature and childish, but to me, living life to the fullest is my idea of happiness.  A spur of the moment trip to the city, or an unplanned dinner party with my friends and family are things that I cherish. I find that my "ideas" of happiness do not match up with others, and frequently I feel as if I am letting them down. The sense of disappointment  I feel  because I choose to let things go doesn't seem to fit into "Never give your power to anyone else". The guilt I sometimes get for having the belief that laughter and memories are more important than anything. For instance, if the weather is nice, I choose to go to the beach instead of do laundry... My responsibilities will still be there at the end of the day, and as much as I loathe laundry, it will get done.. My happiness comes from that quality time with my daughters, not from the satisfaction of folded clothes. In such a situation, there is the chance that someone will not share in my free-spirited thinking and there will be a disagreement, which will totally ruin my "happy" for the day.

I guess what I am trying to say is that as much as I would LOVE to believe that true happiness comes from within, I also believe you are a little dependent on others. Ideas of happiness vary, and everyone has a different perspective. Surrounding yourself with people who have a different attitude will not allow you to ever be truly happy. I just do not see how that is possible.. someone will change... either their outlook on life and their personal definition of happiness, or their outlook on relationships. There is that "cost" I was talking about. Nobody should ever change who they are for another. One person's happiness is never superior to the others. Where is that middle ground? Is compromising part of happiness? Is that really being true to oneself? This is where the confusion lies in the previous quote.. this is the flaw I see. I could be over thinking this a bit,  I am notorious for that, but I would just love to hear, see or be told something that makes more sense.

I am going to search for that perfect "win-win" situation, where I am free to be me, and pursue my happiness.. without putting an expense on anothers...  

 

When life gives you lemons..

I absolutely HATE this expression! 

I get what the meaning is.. When life throws you shit, figure out a way to deal with it. Well, sometimes I rather not! Sometimes I rather wallow in self pity and curse life for giving me a"lemon".. Hey life, how about you give me some money, or answers? I am confident I could do something better with that!

Usually I have a positive outlook, even with all the "lemons". For the most part I make the best of everything and anything that comes my way.. however, sometimes there are "lemons" that are just too foul to be made into any sort of refreshment.

Maybe it is my mood for today, but I like this quote better....

Do opposites really attract?

I am sure everyone has heard this... and for the most part, I can agree that this statement has some truth to it, However, just because opposites attract, doesn't necessarily mean they stay drawn to each other. Relationships that begin with conflicting points of view or beliefs may start out wonderful.. but eventually I feel that fizzles and resentment sets in. Whether it be friendships, intimate relationships or even casual acquaintances, if there are too many conflicting characteristics, the relationship is never going to grow and thrive. Now, this is just my opinion, and maybe you see it differently. Maybe you have a friend that has contrasting views on everything, or are married to your polar opposite, and it works for you. Maybe you learn a lot from the other persons perspectives, and are completely content with having opposing personalities.

I would like to think that my opinion on this isn't a personality flaw. What I mean is, I am very much a person that "agrees to disagree". Just because another doesn't share my viewpoint doesn't make them wrong. I really value everyone for who they are, but being truly compatible with someone who doesn't share my beliefs seems unlikely. I guess I just feel as though in order to have a mutually gratifying relationship, you should possess similar ideas. That, in no way, means that I have this unrealistic thought that all meaningful relationships are only made when people have identical thoughts., but having too many differences doesn't seem to work either. I am not talking about what your favorite color is, or your preference in music, rather, your passions and values. For instance, being that I am a VERY compassionate person,  the majority of individuals I am close with share that characteristic with me. I cannot see myself being close with someone who is not as sympathetic and kind, let alone having a rewarding relationship.

I saw this quote:

"Opposites attract, but like minded last.." 

This simple sentence makes such sense to me. In my experience, relationships with people that have clashing opinions can leave one or both people feeling isolated. The connections once felt are replaced with bitterness and hostility. Confusion and indifference takes place of that initial attraction and curiosity. We learn and grow as individuals by our experiences in life, and the people meet. Values are made from an individuals impression on what is important, and essential to their life. How can relationships built on opposites endure when it is crucial to believe in your personal values? Having a common attitude about life, in my opinion, is vital for a successful relationship.. with anyone!  

Something I have noticed....

While I was sitting in the dental chair, enduring a very long overdue root canal, I was thinking about the quirky endodontist performing the procedure. I wonder what gave him his motivation to attend dental school, or what drove him to become an endodontist. Was it something his parents encouraged, or was it financial reasoning's that persuaded him? (He does drive a very nice BMW) Was it is dream career, or just a profession he chose? Whatever the case.. he is a successful man. That got me deep in thought about what my dream career was. I am not sure I really had one. I would have loved to been a pastry chef for some swanky hotel. I did decorate cakes, but that doesn't really come close. When I got a little older, I thought about becoming a nurse, or a midwife.... Not sure what happened there, but I am definitely not either of those. I went to dental assisting school, which, was very informative, and I learned a lot... but I am not working at a dental office.

Where did I go wrong? Haha... what I mean is, did I not have motivation? Was the fact that there wasn't something I "saw" myself doing? Did I not work hard enough to figure it all out? Why am I not driving a BMW and drilling holes in peoples teeth? Don't get me wrong.. I am very grateful for all that I have in my life... but I can't help but wonder what if. What if I went to that fancy NY restaurant institute? What if I followed through with enrolling in Nursing school? What if I had been more persistent about my education? What if, what if, what if?? Would life be that much different?

I am sure we all have these thoughts. I would love to assume that even the most successful, and professional people think about their choices, and wonder if they made the right ones. I suppose we all have the "what if" syndrome at times. Whether it be in our job choices, family matters, or something as simple as what to have for dinner. I like to stay positive and keep the belief that everything happens the way it should. We all have a path set for us, and when things aren't making much sense, I have to remember that. I have to let go of the "what if''s" and remind myself there is a reason I am not driving that BMW and drilling holes in peoples teeth. 

Ideas and goals

Have you ever had a thought, or an idea that your life would be a certain way? Not necessarily your dreams, but your goals. Five years ago, did you have a different vision of where you would be in life then where you are now? It is funny how everyday occurrences can change those thoughts. Something, that may seem so insignificant at the time, can totally alter your ideas. Maybe reconnecting with an old friend, or taking a different career path has modified your thoughts about where you are and where you should be. For me, the ideas of where I will be change often. Five years ago, I thought I would be somewhere completely different, and unforeseen events have reshaped the mental image I once had. My goals of being a stay at home mother have been replaced with goals of being a successful working mother. Finding that happy medium, where business and family co-mingle in harmony, and everything is just ducky. Unrealistic maybe... but goals shouldn't easily be fulfilled. The challenge is what makes them worth having.

  Do you still have the same perception of life that you did 5 years ago? Six months ago? Yesterday? Are your goals still the same? What has changed? I think about this often, as I tend to over analyze everything. There have been some tragedies, as well as some amazing and wonderful occurrences in my life. All which have contributed to my intentions, and caused me to reevaluate my goals and ideas. I find it is important to have aspirations, whether they be daily, or long term. Ambitions worth all the stress and bullshit that the today may bring. Knowing that we are headed in the direction towards our goals, and allowing them to adapt  to the changes of our lives. Finding peace and having faith that everything will work out the way it is supposed to. Anticipating struggles, and upsets, but not giving them permission to derail us from the path that we set.

hmmm....

I am having an issue of what to write about..
There are so many things that I thought of, none of which were satisfying enough to post.. so I decided I would just sit down and see what came to me..

The first thing that popped into my head was my obsession with the Unplugged channel on Pandora. Probably because I am listening to it at the moment. It gets me thinking.. why do I absolutely LOVE this station? Is it the feelings I get from the songs? Does it bring me back to being 13 again? Almost feel compelled to throw on a Nirvana tee and flannel.. Hahah!

The awkward middle school years of the early 90's, when Pearl Jam, and Nirvana were constantly playing on my CD player! CD's! You know, those round disc's that were a huge improvement from tapes!?? The biggest concerns in life were not letting your crush know you liked them, the Friday night dances, and experimenting with makeup. Trying to "fit in" was hell, I wasn't sure what "label" I had.. all I knew was I never really felt like I was a part of the "in" crowd. Middle school was tough. I found it a lot more challenging than High School. Growing from a child to a teen, with all those pubescent hormones, acne, awkward growth spurts, and emotions that had no rhyme or reason... It definitely sucked!

Looking back, I have to laugh because none of that is important now! I try to explain to Kerrin that this is a difficult time for kids...but it isn't the end of the world. My poor 12 year old is in the thick of middle school, and all of its drama.. Unavoidable meltdowns, self esteem issues and ego bruises. I do my best to comfort, and not meddle. That can be really challenging for a parent! There are times where I just want to go fight her battles for her, but I know that part of growing up is figuring things out on your own, (with some guidance of course).

I have to say that I am one proud Mama.. Kerrin definitely does better than I ever did. She sticks up for herself, and anyone else who is subject to the torture of adolescent ignorance. My daughter takes pity on those who feel the need to bully others. She will say things like "maybe they just have issues and feel bad about themselves"... That melts my heart. That does not mean she will just ignore it, she just has a little more compassion. What an awesome trait to have at that age! I must be doing something right!

Funny how an acoustic version of Metallica can make me think about all of this.. hahah!

Getting it out while I still can.

Just a heads up.. This might be long.. so don't say I didn't warn you! Hahah!

I am sitting in my favorite spot to blog.. Comfy, with a cup of coffee and some tunes playing in the background. Being content with my surroundings, and attempting to come up with words to express the animosity I am feeling. I am not a person known to hate anyone, I VERY MUCH dislike the thought of hate in any way, shape or form, so I will just say that I am repulsed by the actions of the legal system.

As many of you know I am involved in a law suit against my previous OBGYN, Dr. Keelan, as well as the whole Brielle OBGYN practice. I say his name because I want it to be known that this Doctor is the reason my life changed forever. I was informed that if I choose to settle, I might not be legally allowed to "talk" about him, or what he has done to me, so I felt compelled to get it out while I still can.

In early January 2008 I was given a bio-physical profile after expressing my concerns that my unborn son was not as active as I felt he should be. A wonderful sonographer preformed this test. I went on my way with the assurance from Dr. Keelan that everything was fine. After Michael s death I received a copy of my records which indicated that his nuchal cord was seen on that particular ulrtasound, and that the Dr was made aware that the sonographer was concerned. However, I was NEVER made aware of this. At no point in time was it brought to my attention. This was a situation that should have called for increased fetal monitoring at the very least. Instead, I am left a grieving mother, due to the lack of attention this Dr had. I wish I knew why he dismissed the sonographers report. I wish I knew what was more important, or why he chose to disregard me. There were plenty of appointments during my last month of pregnancy, each of which I expressed my growing concerns. I was told that he was just a "big baby", or it was just "in my head". There were plenty of warning signs, all which were ignored by the Dr's that I trusted my prenatal care to.

Angry does not even come close to how I feel about this. After I buried my son, I looked through my chart, with an intuition that something was not right. When I came across the ultrasound report, I was filled with rage.  How could a "reputable" doctor not make a woman aware of her unborn babies condition. Granted, 30 percent of babies are born with a loop or cord around their neck, and it doesn't always cause a problem. However, in my case, Michael had a double nuchal cord which was very tight, and warranted cause for concern..

My first instinct was to find this "man" and make him tell my why.. why he ignored this, why he didn't tell me, why he blew me off when I was scared and worried.. I wanted him to pay for what he did. I wanted his license revoked, I wanted to make the world aware that he ruined my life, After "this" happened to me, I had women that I didn't even know reach out to me. They told me how this practice, and this doctor caused them pain as well. That is when I sought out an attorney and started the very long, emotionally draining process of a law suit. I know that a suit will not change anything. It will not make Dr. Keelan a better doctor... It will not bring closure to me, and it will surely not get the attention of the public, nor will it keep him from practicing. But I cannot sit back and just accept the fact that this happened. I will fight, for my son, and for any other woman that this man has hurt.

It is mind boggling that a patient cannot easily find this sort of information about their doctor. Had I known he was involved in numerous suits, some which have been settled, I would have looked for another obstetrician. Had I known that after years of practicing, he had become lackadaisical in patient care, I would have NEVER trusted MY care to him. Unfortunately, this is something that is not made public knowledge. And I find this quite unsettling.

I know this sounds cliche... but I do believe everything happens for a reason. This week, during an ultrasound, a friend of mine was reconnected with that amazing sonographer. After talking, he gave her his phone number and information and asked her to give it to me. He wanted to help me in any way he could. I was in shock!! I wanted to pick up the phone right then and there! After 5 years, I was going to be able to have a candid conversation with this man! I often prayed that I would get this chance, and frequently thought about what I would say. Now that I had this opportunity, I was frozen with fear. I must have dialed that phone number 24 times before finally pressing the call button. I was terrified , but about 3 seconds into our conversation, my fear subsided, and there was a sense of comfort. We talked for at least an hour, and I felt confident that I was doing the right thing.

No amount of money will ever bring my son back. No amount of money will protect other women from enduring the same pain I feel.. and no amount of money will ever make this doctor realize his mistake, but I will never give up. Maybe this angel chose me to be his Mommy because I have a voice. A very loud voice to match my strong will. I have the motivation to speak up for those who cannot do so for themselves. The desire to make my story know, for if it helps one person I have done my job. I have the perseverance to continue, to educate and make others aware about such tragedy, so that it may be avoided. And most of all, to not let my precious baby's life be forgotten.

I cannot sue for wrongful death, because, according to the state of New Jersey, my son was just a fetus. He was not born breathing, and therefore had no value of life. However, I have heard that if a pregnant woman is murdered, there would be charges of two deaths. How is that possible? My son was very much alive! How can the state say that he wasn't? Not only is it appalling, it angers me beyond belief! How can you call it a baby in one instance, and just a fetus in another? I would love to speak to someone who could try to explain this to me... because I am completely dumbfounded.

Like I said before, there isn't anything I can think of that would bring closure to Michaels death. I will forever be a grieving mother. I will forever wonder "why me", and I will forever have a missing piece to my heart. But, I will NEVER EVER give up, settle, or abandon my feelings, and I will always speak out for what I believe in! Which means, I will tell the world about my experiences with Brielle OBGYN and Dr Keelan, while I still can!

Disorganization

As I sit here, writing this post, I am looking around at my very disorganized surroundings. My house is a disaster! It isn't necessarily dirty, just in disarray.. There is no sense of order at the moment, and it is wreaking havoc on my OCD. The house is under construction, there are walls where the sheetrock is gone, the kitchen floor has been ripped out, and most of the areas dedicated to organization are not able to be accessed. I cannot help but get overwhelmed when I look around.

I am usually pretty good at making due with what I am given. For some reason, I cannot find that happy medium... UGH!! I know that within the next few weeks I will have a beautiful new kitchen, and an awesome  new floor, but right now all I can think about it the mess. I am not even sure where to start, or if I should even try! There is literally shit everywhere. There are coats in the hallway, boxes in the living room, and my china is in a tote on the floor.. It is killing me!!

All week while I was at work I thought about all the ways to "fix" the disorganization. I made a list and came up with clever ways to minimize the chaos. Well, here I am, on my day off and there isn't an ounce of motivation in my body to do so. Granted, I have an appointment with the Endodontist this morning, which could very well be reason for lazy attitude.

I have been trying really hard to adjust to working. Fitting it into my other roles in life. It has been challenging, and I really am optimistic that it will fall into place, but on days like this I feel a little beaten. Usually I have my house cleaned, dinner situated and my head on straight. Lately, the laundry has been piling up (a chore I loathe anyway) dinner is half assed, and I am frazzled.  In times like this I guess it is important for me to just take it one day at a time, and keep my head up.. I can't give up! (But damn, this is difficult!) My confidence is a little squashed , but not completely absent. Just another day where I have to put my big girl pants on and deal! I really need to invest in another pair of BGP since mine are wearing a little thin these days!

One-uppers!

This post is dedicated to the all the people who have to deal with the "one-uppers"! You know, the select few that have to outdo whatever you say? I am fortunate to work with one! No matter what I say or do, this girl has to comeback with something "better"... Its actually quite amusing! I am pretty certain that it stems from high self esteem, or it could be just an awesome personality trait! (sensing the sarcasm??)

Today while I am at work I plan on seeing just how much better she is than me... Is that mean? I will challenge her to come up with superior accomplishments, just to make my day a little bit more entertaining. I will not have to try that hard since this commonly occurs with her.

How many of us deal with "these" people? What is the right way to handle working, living or acquainting such a delightful person? I know that there is gratification in being the "bigger" person and letting things like this slide. Seeing that this is a HUGE sign of poor self confidence, maybe playing on it with my co-worker is kind of being a bully.. I guess I should just have a little compassion for her, and simply deal with it. (As hard as that might be) It has been said that you should do at least one good deed daily. Maybe today I try to be tolerant, but I can't promise anything!

Gratitude

Everyone deserves a little recognition. A pat on the back, a hug or a simple "thank you" to let them know that they are appreciated. Sometimes we get lost in ourselves and cannot see all the wonderful people around us. I don't just mean our friends and family, of course they play a role in our lives, but also those who indirectly affect us. The girl at Quick Chek who always has a smile on her face. She can turn an ordinary trip to get a cup of coffee into a pleasant experience with her ability to lighten my morning. The crossing guard at my kids bus stop. Donna always has a joke or some crazy story that makes me laugh, even if I don't feel like smiling at that moment.  A neighbor who shovels my walk way when it snows, just because he is kind enough to do so. 

There are so many of these interactions that we encounter on a daily basis... but do we recognize them? What do we do to make someone else's day a little brighter? Today my goal is to be that person. To inspire someone, or make their day a little better. I will also be more aware of these special people, and let them know how they made a difference, no matter how small it might be. Having an opened mind and open heart to receive and give gratitude, appreciation, and joy. I challenge you to do the same! A small gesture can make a big impact on someones day.. 

February 11th

Since 1989 this day has been full of sadness, heartache and sorrow. 24 years ago my young brother, Robert, joined God. The pain and heartache my mother felt since then was something I could only try to understand. I was 8 years old when Robert passed away. A child that had no way of comprehending such tragedy. I just knew that my mother had a heavy heart, and she was sad.

In 2007 I found out I was expecting baby #3. After some testing, it was determined that February 11th was my due date. My first thought was not to tell my mother, and just say that my tentative due date was the 10th or 12th. ANYTHING but the 11th! Needless to say, she knew the real date. Maybe this wasn't such a bad day to welcome a new baby to the family. Maybe it was a sign from Robert. Maybe February 11th wouldn't carry such a sorrowful feeling anymore. As optimistic as I was, nothing could have prepared me for the fateful coincidences I would soon share with my mother.

My son was not born on February 11th. Instead, he was delivered on January 30th via C-section.. Michael was born sleeping. (a nice way to say stillborn) I now knew the heartbreak my mother knew and felt. The overwhelming emotional anguish, and pain of a heavy heart was something my mother and I now shared. As harsh as this might sound, this is not something I wanted to have in common with her. In the beginning of February I buried Michael 3 rows from my brother. I watched my, then 8 year old, daughter cry in the same cemetery, in the same winter cold as I did when I was a child,  and all for the same reason... To say goodbye to a baby boy. I could remember the pain and confusion I felt 19 years prior. And I now stood, just as my mother did trying to comprehend why this was happening to our family.. AGAIN!

I am not sure why things happen the way they do. I am not sure why my mother and I have to share such a grief stricken similarity. I am not sure why, right at this very moment, of all songs, "Tears in Heaven" started playing on the radio!! Come on!! Really??!!? I am listening to 90's rock!! Well, that did me in for the rest of this post...

Before I end this post, I want to share this picture I stole from my Aunt Amy's facebook wall. It is amazing and comforting to anyone who had endured the pain of a loss.

Damn it!

When I woke up this morning, I had an all to familiar feeling. The ache in my jaw was a very unwelcomed guest this morning. I knew right then and there.. I have an abscess... WONDERFUL! Just what I needed! (For those of you who don't know, I have had just about every dental procedure out there) After all the root canals, crowns, reconstruction, surgeries and whatnot,  I thought I was done with all this drama! I was totally wrong.

I went about my morning ignoring the pain, hoping it would subside, but once the afternoon hit, I realized that was NOT going to happen. I called my dentist, went to the office and had my hunch confirmed. BOO!! So now I am on a Z-Pack, and have an appointment for yet another root canal next Friday. Yay me! (insert sarcasm here)

That set the tone for how the rest of my day went. It was just one thing after another.. I got pulled over, got a ticket, went to the pharmacy only to notice my script was written wrong, had to call the Dr again, blah blah blah..  and the list goes on and on. Needless to say,  I was in a pretty shitty mood!  I decided to shake it off, laugh about the days misfortune and just keep swimming...

But I did have to say....  

" Damn it!" 

Compassion

While I was at work yesterday, I received a phone call from "Mr". He wanted to bring in an injured cat named Mommy. "Mr" informed me that her jaw was swollen and she had some blood around her nose. He also informed me that Mommy was not his cat, but his elderly neighbors. He felt bad that this woman couldn't financially care for Mommy, so he had taken on the responsibility. I made an appointment and within the hour "Mr." brought Mommy in. 

This cat was such a sweet old girl, she had to have been about 15 years old. You could tell she was loved, and pretty well taken care of. Her little white face was swollen and she couldn't move her jaw. Through her discomfort and obvious pain, all she wanted was some affection, which I gladly gave her.  Mommy rubbed up against my hand, purring and enjoying the attention she was receiving as "Mr" told me what was going on. Apparently Mommy is an outdoor kitty, who shows up to his home on a daily basis. This morning, her visit was more concerning than happy. He had a feeling there was some sort of trauma inflicted to her face, and feared that someone had kicked her. As hard as it was to wrap my head around that, and examination proved that to be likely, and it seemed as though she had a broken jaw. 

After some lengthy tests, and X-rays the doctor determined that her jaw was not broken (insert sigh of relief) but she did have nerve damage. She was given some pain medication and released to the care of "Mr".  I thought about this cat all damn night! I considered all possible ways that this could have happened to her... Anything other than somebody's foot. It made me sad to see such a beautiful, loving creature in such pain, and angered me to think that it would be purposeful. 

 Part of my daily work routine is to make follow up calls, and this afternoon I was certainly not looking forward to calling "Mr" in fear that he might not have good news to share. As I picked up the phone, I could feel myself becoming emotional, almost preparing myself for the worst. "Mr" answered the phone just as I was about to hang up. He told me that Mommy seemed to be in "better spirits" and that he was grateful for all that we did for her. According to "Mr", Mommy is now going to remain an indoor cat and be very well looked after. I expressed to him that his compassion was inspiring to me, and his empathy was something I admired. Before our phone conversation ended, "Mr" left me with this:

"Excellence is achievable, but only if compassion is the bottom line."

This post might have been a little bit of a ramble about an unfortunate kitty, but it all has to do with that sentence.  I only wish more people had compassion. Maybe I am overly sensitive, or emotional.. but this one man, one cat and one sentence has left such an impression on me!

Ignorance is Bliss

I am an unfortunate person. I would like to think that my intelligence is what makes me so. Have you ever noticed that the happiest of people are more likely to be the dumbest? Now, please do not think I am implying that if you are happy you are stupid, that is not what I mean. I simply think that the more knowledge you possess, the more you over analyze things.

I tend to hold onto information..( a lot which is useless) and it has a tendency to stimulate unhealthy thinking. Ideas that the unexpected can happen at any moment. The line between possible and probable disappears, and everything has a consequence or some sort of significance. I have also noticed that the majority of people who suffer from anxiety are also some of the most intelligent.

Experience also plays a factor. I have witnessed, been through and heard of things that have scared the living shit out of me. Crazy scenarios where if you weren't there, you would never have believed. Events that have left an imprint on my memory, and scarred  blemished my thoughts. A simple task turned tragic, or an unbelievable turn of events leading to some sort of demise.

It is amusing to me how a person can learn, gain awareness, and comprehend new ideas, but one cannot unlearn such things. I wish there was a way to forget the awful impressions. A way to forget the knowledge that invades my thoughts and heightens my fears. Wouldn't it be lovely to erase all of the crappy memories we retain?

As contradicting as this may sound, I want to be smart and ignorant at the same time. Hahah. If that was only possible. Having the best of both worlds.. SIGH.. Guess I will just have to deal with it. I can't help but wonder how Albert Einstien did it?  I know he believed that imagination was more important than knowledge. What a great way to think! Now, if I could just get my imagination to be more positive, I should be on the right track! That is my goal for today!

Excited

I am truly excited today... I did it! I made it through my first shift! Yes, I am going to pat myself on the back and celebrate! It has been some time since I have had a job, and I am very eager to get back onto the working world!

With all the happiness and sense of accomplishment, I have to admit I am a little nervous. I now have to fit work into everything else. I am pretty confident I can manage, but it is a little unsettling! I am certain that it will all fall into place, and become a new normal routine. I just have to figure out how to balance it all....  Maybe that is what scares me. I am so afraid of failing ...and, at times, that keeps me from doing much of anything. I am not going to let that stop me anymore!! Living in fear is not living, and the feeling I get when I accomplish such is well worth all the anxiety it caused.

It is decided! I am grabbing this bull by the horns, and riding it into submission! Ha! Take that!

Five Years....

Five years ago today my life changed forever. I vividly remember the details of January 2008 as if they happened yesterday. As challenging as it is, I want to look at today as a day of remembrance. My son had a very short life, one that I was fortunate enough to know.

 To some, Michael was a thought. A new nephew, grandson, cousin and friend was due to arrive in February. I say he was a thought because to most, the only sign of his life was my ever growing abdomen, the feeling of a slight kick when a hand was pressed to my belly, and the obvious accumulation of infant supplies taking over our tiny house. A thought that soon, a new baby would be here to love, hold, kiss and tend to. Had I known that was not to happen, I would have valued my pregnancy much more.  Every kick, every hiccup and every nudge would have been looked at as a miracle.

Five years ago today, my dreams were ripped from my grasp. Five years ago today I was told that my son had died, and there was nothing that could be done. I can remember the sonographers face, as she looked to me with tears streaming from her eyes. "I'm sorry, I don't see anything".. What? What do you mean? How does this happen? How can my son just be gone? Is this a bad dream? Am I imagining this? Then it all hit me.. I was very much awake, I was very much conscious, and this was very much happening. 

The remainder of this day was filled with shock, tears and loving embraces from family and friends who came to show their support. Around 8:30 pm, almost 10 agonizing hours after knowing what was to happen, my beautiful son Michael Patrick was delivered by C-section. At first, I didn't know what to expect. I was frightened, and unsure if I even wanted to see him. At this point I had no idea what had happened, and was terrified of the thought that my last memory of him would be a horrible one. I was reassured by one of the nurses that he was a gorgeous, perfect baby, and at that moment all I wanted was to hold my son. He was indeed gorgeous, and perfect. His face was round, and chubby, and his head was covered in fine, blonde hair. He had the same hands as Kerrin and his little toes were just like Riley's.

The brief time I did have with him is something I am ever grateful for. I am unsure why I was chosen to be this angels mother, but I have to think that I was blessed to have felt his short life. Even though it is a struggle, I have managed to cope with the pain. learning how to incorporate it into my life. In no way does that make it any less distressing, it just makes it a little easier to keep going. Today, I will celebrate my little ones life. I will smile through my tears, and know that he is watching over me.

Michael's footprints. 

Choosing Happiness

Today I am choosing to be happy. I will try my damnedest to overlook the minor things, and not let frustration dictate my mood. What is the point of succumbing to aggravation? It isn't as if walking around with my panties in a bunch is comfortable or fun, so why do it? 

There are so many things to be happy about! 

Here are a few things that make me smile, lighten my heart and lift my spirits..

Kerrin's determination.. 

This summer Kerrin wanted to surf. She never once wanted to call it quits, was eager to continue and was committed to succeeding. Proud doesn't come close to the feeling I had knowing my 12 year old has such motivation and dedication. 

Riley's Wit..

She is one funny kid. Her sense of humor is well beyond that of any 10 year old I have known. She is quick, smart and clever. There are times where she can just shoot me a look and I am laughing.. 

My Friends..

Always there when I need them, and never a dull moment. It could be something as simple as a peanut butter sandwich, (thanks Kate) A mixed up word. (usually Tami) or an honest opinion. (Becky)

They are awesome!

Cake..

Enough said.

My family..

There are so many characters in my family tree.. Each one with a special trait that brings us together. We are all a bit quirky, strange and a little unconventional, but it works, and I love it. I can't imagine having a boring and typical family.. I most certainly wouldn't fit into such a thing... 

Inspiration

Where do you find inspiration? A book? Friends? An awesome song, color or, my personal favorite.. a great quote? 

I find inspiration everywhere.. Lately, its been through friends.. but today I came across this wonderful quote that I have seen and read a few times before.. 

How true is this??

It is only 15 words but it sure says a lot! When I read this, it gives me the motivation to press on! (As scary as that might be) To stay in a state of depression or anxiety is oddly comfortable since it is familiar. Its almost unsettling to be calm since being anxious has become the normal for me. There are days where I am cool as a cucumber and don't notice the absence of the nervousness, those are great days!! I want more of them!! 

Deciding to be peaceful isn't as easy as flipping a switch. (wouldn't that be wonderful if it was??!) It takes determination and a lot of patience. (and sometimes medication.. haha) Staying on the remote Isle of Panic is not an option for me. I want off!! I want to set sail and find new shores to explore. Lands abundant in peace, tranquility and well being. A sort of paradise where heart palpitations are from too much coffee.. not a sign of impending doom.. where a headache is just a headache and not an aneurysm. Where being imperfect is perfectly acceptable, worry is just a word, and days are full of laughter and joy.. Ahhhh.. sounds like heaven!

Now, how do I get there? I guess I should start building a boat, one sturdy enough to handle the rough waters, and ease the fear as I lose sight of the shore. A strong and comfortable vessel that can handle the waves of uncertainty with ease.  Yes, that is what I need to do. 

Inspiration shall be my boat, and keep me on track to my ideal destination. Continuing to press forward through my  panic and apprehension will be challenging, but I am ready to confront my fears.

Wish me luck! Bon Voyage!! 

I am lucky

Everyone should have someone to lean on. Someone to turn to when you are in need, who listens without judgment or criticism. A special person to lift your spirits when you are feeling down.
Sometimes these special someones aren't who we would expect them to be. Not everyone can be compassionate, or caring in the way we think they should. Without getting into that too much for sake of pissing anyone off, lets just say I have such the case. The people in my life I feel as though I should be able to depend on, are not always there or have the capability to offer such support.

 With that being said, I do have a wonderful bunch of friends that I can always count on. They have been there  through good times, bad times and everywhere else in between. I cannot imagine my life without them, and I only hope that I return the love and support they bring to my life. Even though I am grateful for them, I can't help but feel a little cheated. I say that because my friends pick up where others leave off. That isn't fair to them, and sometimes leaves me feeling like a "needy" friend.

I start to wonder if there is something wrong with me... Am I not good enough? Do I need too much attention? Why doesn't so&so know I need them right now? How can they just ignore me? Do they not care? Why don't they care? Are they even capable of caring?  Why am I even wasting time thinking about this??  All this leads to resentment and disappointment. Two emotions I rather not have.

I would like to think my self esteem is at a healthy level...  I am not completely unfortunate looking, I am kind, caring and at times I even impress myself with my creativeness, however this aspect of my life challenges it.  I am to blame, since I let it happen. That amuses me because I am super confident and self-assured in most other areas of my life... so why does this bother me so much? I might not ever get the answer to that question. (put that on the list of others...)

This post kind of turned into a rant.. Not my intention!! But it felt good to get it out!!  AAAhhhhh....
I would hate to end this on a bad note... so I will leave with this...

\

It's Time..

Ok, this pity party has to end! I have wasted too many days feeling sorry for myself. Time to snap out of it, and get my ass moving in a positive direction. I might have to "fake it til' I make it", but I am determined to get out of this funk! 

With that being said I now have to figure out how to go about it.. Deciding to move forward is easy.. actually taking the first step is the hard part. I need to get out of my head! Where do I start? There are so many things to catch up on.. laundry, dusting, and lets not forget scrubbing the bathrooms! Sounds pretty fun! (Insert sarcasm here) Is this what my life has become? Sure, having a clean house is satisfying, but spending all day making it sparkle, only to have it become a shitmess again by dinner time is not exactly my idea of an accomplishment. Housework is just something that is expected of me and weather or not I feel like doing it.. it has to get done. 

There is always my camera. I have a way of getting lost in my Nikon. I am not a great photographer, but there is something about taking pictures that gives me an appreciation of life. Not sure if that makes sense to anyone else. Its almost as if I can freeze a moment in time. Some photo's I have taken spark such emotion in me.. I can remember how I was feeling at that very second.

Here is an example:

 To anyone else this is just a picture of 2 butterflies. When I look at this, I can feel the warmth of that spring day. I remember sitting on a picnic blanket with my girls enjoying a snack outside in the sunshine, and the overwhelming amount of baby monarchs swarming the fragrant, purple salvia in my garden. It was amazing. Just seeing this picture improves my mood.

It is decided! I am going to get my ass of this computer, ignore the desire to put on sweatpants, and get moving! No matter how loud the couch calls my name, I will not surrender to the urges of laziness.  I will stand strong and get something accomplished! 

Ok, self pep talk is over.. time to get a move on! 

overwhelmed

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't come up with a better way to describe my feelings today other than overwhelmed. I thought about all the other words that might "sound" better, but I can't sugarcoat it.. I am simply OVERWHELMED!

There are so many things that I am struggling with lately. I just feel as though I am in limbo. That is such an uncomfortable feeling! Waiting for answers to questions that linger on my mind all day everyday, not knowing where things are going, or when they will be over can be mighty exhausting!

Having a wonderful support system does bring me comfort. Friends and family to talk to eases some of the anxiety, however doesn't erase it completely. It is almost as if I am waiting for something, and I don't even know what that something is! Will the resolution of this emotionally draining law suit will ease my mind?  Will starting my new career help, or will whatever it is work itself out in time?  As aggravating as it can be, I hold on to hope that I will just know it when it happens.

 I should just stop trying to figure it out, since that is the causing me to feel even more overwhelmed! (what a vicious cycle!) Maybe some questions don't have answers, and I should just stop analyzing everything so much. Guess it is time to put my big girl pants on and deal with it. (Now if I only remembered where my big girl pants are...)

January Sucks.

I have noticed that in the last 22 days, my anxiety has skyrocketed . I figured it was just the change in season, or normal nerves about starting a new job, etc. In the last week I have felt run down, exhausted, and just plain BLAH! This morning it hit me. It is January!

 For the past 5 years January has been a challenge. No matter what excuses I come up with for my physical and emotional state, it all boils down to the fact that January sucks! I attempt to distract myself with projects, friends, family, or whatever, but that doesn't last forever, and depression and its pal anxiety pay me a very unwelcomed visit.

A wise woman once told me that if you ignore your feelings, they gain strength and come back to kick your ass. Boy, was she right! No matter how hard I try to disregard my emotions, they are still there . I have to accept that January is a challenging month for me. This year, instead of celebrating my son's 5th birthday, I will most likely be in meetings with attorneys fighting to get some sort of justice, which may or may not bring some sort of closure. I doubt it will. Nothing can ease the pain of losing a child.

I can't help but wonder if January will always be so shitty. Its not as if I only think of my baby during this month. Why is it that much harder 31 days out of the year?  My anger, frustration and sadness is at an all time high. My moods are lower, my patience are gone, and everything seems to piss me off. I find myself distracted, heavyhearted and despondent, which is very much contradictory to my "normal" self.

Determination will keep me going. That I am sure of. Part of me would love to play into the emotions the month brings, but it is only a small part, one that I can overpower with my love of life. It's important for me to acknowledge that January is an emotionally distressing time of year, and accept it. It is important for me to feel the emotions, but not let them take over. Allowing them to be felt without giving them power.

Maybe January will always suck, but I am hopeful that I will learn to cope with it better as the years go by.

No Motivation Monday

The title says it all. I have ZERO motivation today! Ugh!! I wrote a list of things that I would like to accomplish, and that is far as I have gotten. I hate days like this! Even though the thought of being lazy and lounging in sweatpants is very tempting, I know that A) it is not an option and B) I would feel even shittier if I did that.

Maybe the gray weather is the cause? Maybe I am just sick of cleaning the same shit every day, or maybe it is simply just a lackadaisical attitude. Whatever it is, 5 cups of coffee has yet to help! Something's got to give and soon!

There is laundry to do, floors to vacuum, bathrooms to scrub, and lets not forget the dusting! I am tired just thinking about it! Maybe I should just watch an episode of Hoarders. That is sure to light a fire under my ass!
Yep! That is what I need to do! (and the procrastination continues!)

Favorites Friday.

One thing I absolutely LOVE is photography. My camera is just another outlet for creativity. I don't like taking "posed" photo's. I like to capture moments as they just happen. Snapping a few shots of something that might not be appealing to some, but to me they are beautiful. Here are a few of my favorites. I hope you enjoy!

Why my dog is a jerk

This is Lola. 

She is a Black and Tan Coonhound.

&

She is a jerk.

 She is a master of hunting, food. She can open my bottom mount freezer with ease, and happily helps herself to frozen tater tots, frozen steak and sometimes even ice cream. I have to "Lola proof" my entire house. That means, locks on the freezer, no garbage can in my home, locking of the front door since she can open it, and making sure there is nothing edible within her reach. 

What a pain in the ass! I often find her like this:

Yes, that is my dining room table. See! She is a jerk! But I love her to death! With all of her drool, obnoxiousness, and her VERY loud bark (that seems endless) she has a way of making me overlook all of her shenanigans. She is an amazing snuggler, she likes to wear clothes and she somehow has a way of comforting me when I need it. 

It is my fault she is a jerk. The Christmas I was pregnant with Michael, Santa left this tiny, long eared, wrinkled puppy under our tree. Our other dog, Gracie, (a.k.a. the best dog ever), welcomed this little black pup with open paws. Life with two dogs was proving to be good. I was nearing my due date and determined to get Lola house-trained, and obedient by my son's arrival. Then, "it" happened. 

 Lola's training was put on the back burner. I didn't have the energy to train a puppy. I looked at Lola as something to hold, and cuddle. To fill the ache of my empty arms. "She is just a puppy, she will grow out of it" is what I told myself. Big mistake. For the most part, my unhealthy attachment to my dog is what made her the way she is today. My needs to fill a void left me with a 5 year old dog that sits on my table, and still has accidents in the house. But through it all, she helped me get through the hardest part of my life, and I am grateful for that. 

Lola might not be the ideal dog. She might make my life a little complicated, and she might be a jerk, but I still love it when she climbs up on my sofa for a snuggle. 

I know how important it is for a dog to have discipline, and I know that it is possible to teach an old dog new tricks. For her sake and mine, I continually strive to train her. Its not easy, and it seems as though it is a lost cause, but I can't give up! 

WTF Wednesday

There are some days where WTF runs through my head all day! This post is all about those things.. I have decided that a rant might be therapeutic, so here is a list of shit that makes me say "WTF?!" Please feel free to comment with things that make you say WTF?!
(Mind you, they are not in any particular order, nor is it a full list.. that would be way to long)

1. 11 year olds that wear makeup. It looks awful!
2. Mens eyelashes. Why did God waste beautiful, full, perfectly curled lashes on men?
3. Blue licence plates.. Need I say more?
4. Self service check out lanes. I think they purposefully set the scanners to "slow as f8ck" which in turn makes it take at least 20 minutes to check out.
5. People with naturally perfect skin, (F you!) And that leads to..
6. Proactive. I have used that shit religiously and it didn't do all that the infomercial promised!
7. Lucky people. You know, the kind who win $500 bucks on a dollar scratch off that you gave them in a birthday card?
8. Admiring someones shoes, shirt, dress and finding out they got them like 400 years ago at a store that doesn't exist anymore.
9. Anxiety.
10. The news. That is just chock ful' o' WTF!

Blue Paint

As I am singing in the shower this morning (I am a rock star by the way) I was looking at the color of the bathroom walls. It got me thinking about how I am never confident in the choices I make. Indecision is one of my biggest personality flaws. It took me a week to pick the "perfect" color for this room, and I HATE IT! This blue has been on the walls for 4 years, and in that time I have yet to decide on the "right" color to repaint.

 It is almost as if I am terrified of not picking a suitable color that I would be happy with. This happens not just with the choices in paint colors , but with EVERY aspect of my life. I am one of those people who will stare at the assortment of donuts offered at D&D and panic as the line forms behind me. Will I enjoy the boston cream, should I just get the apple crumb, or would I be better off sticking to a plain glazed? No doubt, whichever I choose, I will have thought about the other options as I devour the deliciousness.

 I have heard that you should just trust your gut, go with your instincts, blah blah blah... That doesn't work for me. I constantly second guess myself. Boots or sneakers? Chicken or pasta? Did I say the wrong thing? Am I fuc**ing up my kids? AAHHHHH.... I guess it is all part of having anxiety, being a Libra, or just having estrogen.

The thought of making a bad decision used to cripple me with fear. It prevented me from obtaining goals and dreams. It kept me in a state of panic, even in situations where I should have been be calm and happy. I can't let it define who I am though. I am more than just my fear. I am more than the worry, and anxiety. Everyday I have to make decisions, some big, some small. (the bigger ones still freak me out) Then I think about all that I have accomplished and it keeps my head straight. I went back to school, and did very well. I have two wonderful daughters that are the light of my life.. and I like to think that they are well rounded kids. (I guess I am not fu**ing them up too much) I am strong enough to continue with a very emotional law suit in search of justice for my son.

Working on being more confident is a priority for me.. self growth is something I think should never cease. My flaws are a piece of me, but they are not all of who I am. Perfection is an unattainable goal,  that nobody should seek. Having expectations is a wonderful thing, as long as they are within reach. This is another thing I strive to live by. I try and not hold expectations of others too high. However, the ones I hold to myself might be a little on the elevated side. (Guess I should work on that one too)

It is funny how something as silly as a blue bathroom can make you think so deeply about yourself. How a simple shower can bring some sort of realization, and enlightenment. One minute you are belting out your favorite Prince song, and the next you are analyzing your life. I guess that is a blessing in a way. Being able to point out your own faults, and making the effort to correct them. I am going to turn this hatred for the blue paint into gratitude today... That is a decision I am confident in making.